I've spoken of compatibility, in prior posts and in SL. Here is more of what I mean, as a notecard from my Sensuality Azure training materials. A conversation around these questions isn't as exciting as sex. But a conversation is worthwhile for the long-term success of the relationship. Also, in my experience, the kind of person with whom I want to have a long-term relationship values the conversation.
===================================
20 Questions for Tops & Bottoms
===================================
These questions are in no particular order. But if you think one is more important than another, that itself is important. There are undoubtedly other questions worth discussing, but 20 is such a nice, round number.
There aren't right or wrong answers. But without clear and compatible expectations, any relationship is higher risk.
1. What do you look for in a partner? What's most important? What's not important?
2. Have you played with power exchange before? Collared? Been collared? If yes, how did that work out?
3. When do you play? How often? How long? How regularly?
4. When you play, how much can you focus? Will there be interruptions? Will you suddenly need to leave? Can we schedule times where you can focus completely on us?
5. When you log in and I'm already doing something, do I stop to be with you?
6. How far does the dominance extend? For example, permission to log off? Punishment for not logging on when expected?
7. What are your standards for writing? Pose length? Spelling etc.?
8. How important is staying in-character? Do you like to chat OOC during RP? During sex? Does chatting ruin the mood?
9. How do you feel about voice chat? Out-of-character? During RP? During sex?
10. How important are props, scripts, animations, etc. during RP? During sex? (e.g., Xcite!)
11. Will we stay in a specific sim? A specific setting (e.g., Gor, vampire)? If we travel, how will the our relationship work? (e.g., Am I going to be kneeling in only silks in an Earth art gallery?)
12. Who will pay for things? (e.g., house, clothes, furniture)
13. Will there be other bottoms? Do you expect group sex? Bisexual sex? Homosexual sex?
14. Can I have sex with other people? Can you? Only OOC? If ICly, with any consequences?
15. What are some of your kinks? For example, do you like dirty talk? Force? Do you want to experiment?
16. Are there other relationships we need to discuss? Loyalties to a sim? To other players/friends/lovers? Other possible sources of out-of-character drama?
17. If the bottom is owned, will the Top ever sell the bottom?
18. If this doesn't work, how will it end? If we're in the same sim, will one of us have to leave?
19. How fast do you want to go?
20. Are you looking for a RL romantic relationship? A RL power exchange relationship?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
This notecard is part of a collection called "Sensuality Azure by Kandr Newall". This collection is licensed as Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike (http://creativecommons.org/). Please don't sell this notecard. Please distribute and modify this notecard freely. Please credit Kandr Newall as the original author.
Showing posts with label coaching. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coaching. Show all posts
Friday, July 30, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Some of My Mistakes
Master SuperMaster says, "A true Dom never makes a mistake."
Albert Einstein said, "A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."
I've made some colossal mistakes as a predator, a lover, a top, and a Master. More than anything, dominance is an attitude. I love teaching and I love learning. My Taoism tells me that's the same love, just inside out. That love is a vital part of my attitude as someone who practices dominance. These ingredients are powerful for learning: admitting ignorance, taking risks, and making mistakes.
Here are some of my mistakes, in hopes that they're instructive to others. Or at least amusing.
Trying Too Hard ... I have a group for my household. I got the clever idea to set my group title to "Master", so that I could walk around with "Master Kandr Newall" above my head. This lasted for a couple weeks before I came to my senses. Franklin Veaux says it best: "Being a master is like being enlightened. If you have to tell people that you are--you aren't."
You Don't Actually Want That ... A woman told me she wanted to be completely objectified, as nothing more or less than a total sextoy. She described in it her profile, we talked about it, she behaved like a sextoy, and she sent me many erotica stories about women being objectified. But the anachronistic gentleman in me kept silently insisting that she didn't truly want it. Thankfully, I eased into giving it to her. No surprise: the more I gave her what she wanted, the more passionate and eager she became.
Honey, Sugar, Gumdrop ... While I was in Gor, I purposefully developed some habits I thought made me more of a master. I started calling every slave "sweetling", regardless of relationship or context. I appended this to almost everything I said. I've seen others habitually use endearments like this, and I've seen (and privately heard) how subs actually react. Now I know that "sweetling" wasn't having the effect I wanted. At all.
Taboo ... Here's another habit I developed to "be more of a master": I never said "thank you." I would twist sentences around so that I would say something pleased me. It was contrived and arduous. It's like I believed that properly expressing gratitude would somehow puncture my master balloon, and all my dominance would leak out. Yeesh.
Shake-and-Bake Drama ... I was getting close to someone. I had some concerns about compatibility. In so many words, I said, "I really like you. But you need to change in these several major ways." This is a classic back-handed compliment. It's understandable to decide that a relationship isn't working out. But everyone has the right to be present in SL in a way that feels right to them. I was wrapping praise and attraction around what was really a criticism. At best, this is inconsiderate; at worst, it's passive aggressive. I have consoled friends when their partners dropped this drama bomb in a relationship. Apparently it's a mistake I has to make for myself at least once. I later apologized.
Missed the Message ... I had chatted and scened with a woman several times. We had hot chemistry and strong compatibility. We had talked about collars. We were RPing. She was standing with her back to a post, arms raised above her head, eyes full of promise. Much later, she asked me why I didn't collar her then, when she was deliberately adopting such a submissive posture. In my defense, I was relatively new to D/s. But my response was still utterly lame: "You were submitting?"
I don't know anything about Einstein in the bedroom. Smart is sexy, so if the master of space-time ever suited up as a Master, I'm sure he got some. With Einstein's advice, and for many other reasons, I'm not afraid of making mistakes. Learning can be painful, but coasting or playing it safe is unworthy of me and my partners, when I aspire to be dominant.
Albert Einstein said, "A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."
I've made some colossal mistakes as a predator, a lover, a top, and a Master. More than anything, dominance is an attitude. I love teaching and I love learning. My Taoism tells me that's the same love, just inside out. That love is a vital part of my attitude as someone who practices dominance. These ingredients are powerful for learning: admitting ignorance, taking risks, and making mistakes.
Here are some of my mistakes, in hopes that they're instructive to others. Or at least amusing.
Trying Too Hard ... I have a group for my household. I got the clever idea to set my group title to "Master", so that I could walk around with "Master Kandr Newall" above my head. This lasted for a couple weeks before I came to my senses. Franklin Veaux says it best: "Being a master is like being enlightened. If you have to tell people that you are--you aren't."
You Don't Actually Want That ... A woman told me she wanted to be completely objectified, as nothing more or less than a total sextoy. She described in it her profile, we talked about it, she behaved like a sextoy, and she sent me many erotica stories about women being objectified. But the anachronistic gentleman in me kept silently insisting that she didn't truly want it. Thankfully, I eased into giving it to her. No surprise: the more I gave her what she wanted, the more passionate and eager she became.
Honey, Sugar, Gumdrop ... While I was in Gor, I purposefully developed some habits I thought made me more of a master. I started calling every slave "sweetling", regardless of relationship or context. I appended this to almost everything I said. I've seen others habitually use endearments like this, and I've seen (and privately heard) how subs actually react. Now I know that "sweetling" wasn't having the effect I wanted. At all.
Taboo ... Here's another habit I developed to "be more of a master": I never said "thank you." I would twist sentences around so that I would say something pleased me. It was contrived and arduous. It's like I believed that properly expressing gratitude would somehow puncture my master balloon, and all my dominance would leak out. Yeesh.
Shake-and-Bake Drama ... I was getting close to someone. I had some concerns about compatibility. In so many words, I said, "I really like you. But you need to change in these several major ways." This is a classic back-handed compliment. It's understandable to decide that a relationship isn't working out. But everyone has the right to be present in SL in a way that feels right to them. I was wrapping praise and attraction around what was really a criticism. At best, this is inconsiderate; at worst, it's passive aggressive. I have consoled friends when their partners dropped this drama bomb in a relationship. Apparently it's a mistake I has to make for myself at least once. I later apologized.
Missed the Message ... I had chatted and scened with a woman several times. We had hot chemistry and strong compatibility. We had talked about collars. We were RPing. She was standing with her back to a post, arms raised above her head, eyes full of promise. Much later, she asked me why I didn't collar her then, when she was deliberately adopting such a submissive posture. In my defense, I was relatively new to D/s. But my response was still utterly lame: "You were submitting?"
I don't know anything about Einstein in the bedroom. Smart is sexy, so if the master of space-time ever suited up as a Master, I'm sure he got some. With Einstein's advice, and for many other reasons, I'm not afraid of making mistakes. Learning can be painful, but coasting or playing it safe is unworthy of me and my partners, when I aspire to be dominant.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
BDSM Folks I Can Do Without
This is long, but full of good advice. I particularly like:
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Note: These pages are copyright by Franklin Veaux. You may reproduce the contents of these pages, provided you do so intact and unedited.
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.:CAUTION:.
This is a rant. It's based on my own personal experiences in the BDSM community. Some people may not like the characterizations in here. You've been warned.
I've been involved in both BDSM and polyamory since long before I had words to describe eaither (and, for that matter, since before the word "polyamory" even existed). I've been part of the organized poly community for quite a number of years, but generally speaking, I've tended to avoid the organized BDSM community.
Lately, I've been spending a lot more time in the BDSM community, and I'm beginning to remember why it is I've avoided it.
A friend of mine who lives, like I do, in both worlds once described a poly meeting as "Kind of like a BDSM munch, but the people are nicer." And there's a bit of truth to it.
This is not a diatribe against everyone in the BDSM community. I've met some very cool, very intelligent people in the scene, and many of these people I count among my friends.
But there are also quite a number of people I've encountered who are about as much fun as a toothache. To wit:
The "7th Level Antler-Headed Yak Boy (fourth house, nineteenth tax district)" types.
These are the guys (and they're almost always men) who form elaborate societies with intricate rules and protocols, and give themselves incredibly flowery titles (which they insist on using to refer to themselves, and may insist that others use as well) to boot.
There's nothing wrong with any of that. The problem comes from the idea that once you've mastered someone's list of rules, probably yanked from some old pulp science-fiction novel, that you've mastered all the intricities of domination and submission, and you're now fit to rule the world or some damn thing. You haven't; you've just memorized someone else's rules. D/s is arguably one of the most complex forms of all human relationships, and it's different for everyone--something that works for one person doesn't apply to another. Mastering one set of protocols no more makes you an expert than mastering macaroni and cheese makes you a five-star chef.
The pathologically insecure.
These people often refer to themselves exclusively as "Master (or Mistress) Thus-and Such," and are more than happy to describe you exactly, in great deal, how and why they've mastered the fine art of BDSM, and why you should be grateful to sit at their feet and pick up such crumbs of arcane knowledge they see fit to provide.
Disagree with them, even about something minor, and the entire elaborate facade built to protect their insecurities comes crashing down. You have not seen histronics until you've suggested to such a person that perhaps there's some element of D/s he hasn't considered.
Hint: Being a master is like being enlightened. If you have to tell people that you are--you aren't.
The Domly Doms.
These guys--and again, they're almost always guys--self-identify as alpha males; they strut, they preen, they impress one another with the size of their stables of submissives. Their submissives never stick around for long; the stables rotate, because at the end of the day, interspecies dating never works. It's just too damn hard for a human submissive to maintain a romance with a peacock.
The completely unsocialized.
These are the ones who can make a convention of stereotypical computer nerds point and say "Damn, those people have poor social skills!" (And yes, I know that the stereotypes of computer nerds are quite often wrong.)
Many of these guys lead one to suspect that they're part of the community because no other community'll have them.
Hint: I understand foot fetishes as much as the next guy, but do not walk up to me and, without introduction, ask me to take off my shoes. Especially if you don't know my sexual orientation and you're a guy. What's that, you say? There's nothing sexual about feet? Well, guess what--anything that arouses you or gets you off is an intimate act, even if, in a different context, it might be completely benign.
The One True Wayers.
These are usually the people in "TPE" (total power exchange) relationships--people who live acting out a full-time master/slave relationship, who sneer at the "players"--namely, those who don't live their entire lives in their roles--and especially those who (oh, dear God) switch roles.
Hint: If you predicate the whole of your romantic relationship, and indeed the whole of your life, along a single axis, don't think even for half a second that you have a deeper understanding of D/s than those whose experience is broader and whose palettes are wider. You want to live in a master/slave relationship? Hey, that's cool, whatever turns you on. You want to think that gives you a better understanding of the right way to do it? Go sit in the back of the bus with the Baptists, the fundamentalist Muslims, and all the other yahoos who think there's only one right way to live.
The Wannabe Doms.
You can find these people all over the Internet--and, for a change, they're not mostly men. These people appear to be equal-opportunity offenders, and I've encountered about as many women as men who fall into this role.
These are the ones who believe that because they consider themselves dominant, the rest of the world should too. Many of them are often poorly socialized as well, which is quite a double-whammy.
You can spot 'em right away. They're the ones who, upon learning that someone is a submissive, immediately demand that that person be submissive to them. They're the ones who open a conversation with a submissive they've only just met with "You will call me Master and you will learn to worship me." They seem to see submissives as commodities, not as people, and begin every encounter with the idea that every submissive in the world will submit to them because, hey, they're Doms, right?
Hint: Respect is earned, not automatic. If you want a submissive to respect you, first prove that you deserve it. The people you see in the community, the people you see at play parties, who command widespread respect? They earned it. And by the way, just because someone is a submissive, that does not automatically mean he or she should submit to you. If you don't even know this person's name and have not yet established any kind of relationship whatsoever with this person, assuming you deserve this person's submission is a bit premature, wanker. Submissives exist for more than your own fantasy fulfillment!
The Desperate Subbies.
These are the flip side of the wannabe doms--the people who're so desperate to find a dominant that they'll stick anyone into that slot. Upon learning that someone is a dom, the Desperate Subbiess immediately assume that this person will automatically want to dominate them, and will run up to anyone they see who even remotely looks the least little bit dominant with "Oh, Master, I'm desperate to serve you!"
In some extreme cases, these people cross the line from annoying to outright self-destructive, as they'll sometimes abandon even basic concerns for safety and self-preservation in their attempts to find someone, anyone, to dominate them. Fortunately, Desperate Subbies are rare, and can be spotted from a mile away. Unfortunately, Desperate Subbies occasionally become statistics.
Hint: The relationship between a dominant and a submissive is a partnership. Even when it's a transient partnership, like at a play party, it's still a partnership. Don't go pledging your submission to someone until after you've determined that he or she is interested in you, and for God's sake, don't go pledging your submission to someone you don't even know, or to everyone you meet who seems the least bit interested in you. Dominants are people, not fantasy fulfillment objects...and every now and then, a person who calls himself a dominant isn't actually a dominant at all, but a predator who sees you as the prey, you know? Getting to know someone before you submit to him or her is a very good strategy to avoid becoming a statistic.
Note: These pages are copyright by Franklin Veaux. You may reproduce the contents of these pages, provided you do so intact and unedited.
Being a master is like being enlightened. If you have to tell people that you are--you aren't.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Note: These pages are copyright by Franklin Veaux. You may reproduce the contents of these pages, provided you do so intact and unedited.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
.:CAUTION:.
This is a rant. It's based on my own personal experiences in the BDSM community. Some people may not like the characterizations in here. You've been warned.
I've been involved in both BDSM and polyamory since long before I had words to describe eaither (and, for that matter, since before the word "polyamory" even existed). I've been part of the organized poly community for quite a number of years, but generally speaking, I've tended to avoid the organized BDSM community.
Lately, I've been spending a lot more time in the BDSM community, and I'm beginning to remember why it is I've avoided it.
A friend of mine who lives, like I do, in both worlds once described a poly meeting as "Kind of like a BDSM munch, but the people are nicer." And there's a bit of truth to it.
This is not a diatribe against everyone in the BDSM community. I've met some very cool, very intelligent people in the scene, and many of these people I count among my friends.
But there are also quite a number of people I've encountered who are about as much fun as a toothache. To wit:
The "7th Level Antler-Headed Yak Boy (fourth house, nineteenth tax district)" types.
These are the guys (and they're almost always men) who form elaborate societies with intricate rules and protocols, and give themselves incredibly flowery titles (which they insist on using to refer to themselves, and may insist that others use as well) to boot.
There's nothing wrong with any of that. The problem comes from the idea that once you've mastered someone's list of rules, probably yanked from some old pulp science-fiction novel, that you've mastered all the intricities of domination and submission, and you're now fit to rule the world or some damn thing. You haven't; you've just memorized someone else's rules. D/s is arguably one of the most complex forms of all human relationships, and it's different for everyone--something that works for one person doesn't apply to another. Mastering one set of protocols no more makes you an expert than mastering macaroni and cheese makes you a five-star chef.
The pathologically insecure.
These people often refer to themselves exclusively as "Master (or Mistress) Thus-and Such," and are more than happy to describe you exactly, in great deal, how and why they've mastered the fine art of BDSM, and why you should be grateful to sit at their feet and pick up such crumbs of arcane knowledge they see fit to provide.
Disagree with them, even about something minor, and the entire elaborate facade built to protect their insecurities comes crashing down. You have not seen histronics until you've suggested to such a person that perhaps there's some element of D/s he hasn't considered.
Hint: Being a master is like being enlightened. If you have to tell people that you are--you aren't.
The Domly Doms.
These guys--and again, they're almost always guys--self-identify as alpha males; they strut, they preen, they impress one another with the size of their stables of submissives. Their submissives never stick around for long; the stables rotate, because at the end of the day, interspecies dating never works. It's just too damn hard for a human submissive to maintain a romance with a peacock.
The completely unsocialized.
These are the ones who can make a convention of stereotypical computer nerds point and say "Damn, those people have poor social skills!" (And yes, I know that the stereotypes of computer nerds are quite often wrong.)
Many of these guys lead one to suspect that they're part of the community because no other community'll have them.
Hint: I understand foot fetishes as much as the next guy, but do not walk up to me and, without introduction, ask me to take off my shoes. Especially if you don't know my sexual orientation and you're a guy. What's that, you say? There's nothing sexual about feet? Well, guess what--anything that arouses you or gets you off is an intimate act, even if, in a different context, it might be completely benign.
The One True Wayers.
These are usually the people in "TPE" (total power exchange) relationships--people who live acting out a full-time master/slave relationship, who sneer at the "players"--namely, those who don't live their entire lives in their roles--and especially those who (oh, dear God) switch roles.
Hint: If you predicate the whole of your romantic relationship, and indeed the whole of your life, along a single axis, don't think even for half a second that you have a deeper understanding of D/s than those whose experience is broader and whose palettes are wider. You want to live in a master/slave relationship? Hey, that's cool, whatever turns you on. You want to think that gives you a better understanding of the right way to do it? Go sit in the back of the bus with the Baptists, the fundamentalist Muslims, and all the other yahoos who think there's only one right way to live.
The Wannabe Doms.
You can find these people all over the Internet--and, for a change, they're not mostly men. These people appear to be equal-opportunity offenders, and I've encountered about as many women as men who fall into this role.
These are the ones who believe that because they consider themselves dominant, the rest of the world should too. Many of them are often poorly socialized as well, which is quite a double-whammy.
You can spot 'em right away. They're the ones who, upon learning that someone is a submissive, immediately demand that that person be submissive to them. They're the ones who open a conversation with a submissive they've only just met with "You will call me Master and you will learn to worship me." They seem to see submissives as commodities, not as people, and begin every encounter with the idea that every submissive in the world will submit to them because, hey, they're Doms, right?
Hint: Respect is earned, not automatic. If you want a submissive to respect you, first prove that you deserve it. The people you see in the community, the people you see at play parties, who command widespread respect? They earned it. And by the way, just because someone is a submissive, that does not automatically mean he or she should submit to you. If you don't even know this person's name and have not yet established any kind of relationship whatsoever with this person, assuming you deserve this person's submission is a bit premature, wanker. Submissives exist for more than your own fantasy fulfillment!
The Desperate Subbies.
These are the flip side of the wannabe doms--the people who're so desperate to find a dominant that they'll stick anyone into that slot. Upon learning that someone is a dom, the Desperate Subbiess immediately assume that this person will automatically want to dominate them, and will run up to anyone they see who even remotely looks the least little bit dominant with "Oh, Master, I'm desperate to serve you!"
In some extreme cases, these people cross the line from annoying to outright self-destructive, as they'll sometimes abandon even basic concerns for safety and self-preservation in their attempts to find someone, anyone, to dominate them. Fortunately, Desperate Subbies are rare, and can be spotted from a mile away. Unfortunately, Desperate Subbies occasionally become statistics.
Hint: The relationship between a dominant and a submissive is a partnership. Even when it's a transient partnership, like at a play party, it's still a partnership. Don't go pledging your submission to someone until after you've determined that he or she is interested in you, and for God's sake, don't go pledging your submission to someone you don't even know, or to everyone you meet who seems the least bit interested in you. Dominants are people, not fantasy fulfillment objects...and every now and then, a person who calls himself a dominant isn't actually a dominant at all, but a predator who sees you as the prey, you know? Getting to know someone before you submit to him or her is a very good strategy to avoid becoming a statistic.
Note: These pages are copyright by Franklin Veaux. You may reproduce the contents of these pages, provided you do so intact and unedited.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Subspace
Someone asked me about subspace. After I gave my answer, I decided to ask some of my submissive friends whether I got it "right." They liked my answer, so here it is. I'm curious what others would add or change.
Subspace. It's a topic both complex and ill-structured. It's something we could talk about for a very long time. Plenty is written about it. The short version, for me... Subspace is an altered state. It may be accompanied by an external, physical, altered state, like restraints, and/or an internal, physical, altered state, like changes in breathing, pulse and blood pressure (e.g., a rush of blood to the head), muscle tension, and arousal. But the more important dimension of subspace is the mental altered state. Subspace is a place of acceptance and willingness, in which the sub lets go of control, fear, hesitation, and some self-awareness. For different subs with different doms on different days in different scenes, subspace may be easier or harder to enter. Subspace should be an act of trust, although aggressive nonconsensual methods may achieve it (like torture or brainwashing).
A particularly important point to remember is aftercare. When a scene ends and a sub is leaving subspace, the return of control and self-awareness can be disorienting. A dom must be ready to care for the disoriented sub. It can dangerous to leave a sub in subspace or not properly bring her back, both for the experience to sub herself, and because she's vulnerable (e.g., someone else could compel her to break one of her limits, while she's still in subspace).
My choice of pronouns is arbitrary, in this post and throughout this blog. Men, women, or other can be put in subspace by men, women, or other.
I'm happy to talk more about these things.
Subspace. It's a topic both complex and ill-structured. It's something we could talk about for a very long time. Plenty is written about it. The short version, for me... Subspace is an altered state. It may be accompanied by an external, physical, altered state, like restraints, and/or an internal, physical, altered state, like changes in breathing, pulse and blood pressure (e.g., a rush of blood to the head), muscle tension, and arousal. But the more important dimension of subspace is the mental altered state. Subspace is a place of acceptance and willingness, in which the sub lets go of control, fear, hesitation, and some self-awareness. For different subs with different doms on different days in different scenes, subspace may be easier or harder to enter. Subspace should be an act of trust, although aggressive nonconsensual methods may achieve it (like torture or brainwashing).
A particularly important point to remember is aftercare. When a scene ends and a sub is leaving subspace, the return of control and self-awareness can be disorienting. A dom must be ready to care for the disoriented sub. It can dangerous to leave a sub in subspace or not properly bring her back, both for the experience to sub herself, and because she's vulnerable (e.g., someone else could compel her to break one of her limits, while she's still in subspace).
My choice of pronouns is arbitrary, in this post and throughout this blog. Men, women, or other can be put in subspace by men, women, or other.
I'm happy to talk more about these things.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Reading: The Master's Manual
Come hear The Master's Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance, by Jack Rinella. Kandr Newall will read aloud every Thu 6:30-7:30 pm SL, at the Blue Angel Poets' Dive, starting 10 Jun. Kandr studies and practices D/s in SL and 1L. He hopes this reading will be entertaining and provocative.
http://slurl.com/secondlife/Kolor/17/139/1499
http://slurl.com/secondlife/Kolor/17/139/1499
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Sensuality Azure: Submission Tips
Here is another notecard from my Sensuality Azure training materials. The male dom, female sub language is arbitrary.
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1.2 Submission Tips
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I've received compliments on my "Dominance Tips." I hope it helps dominants role-play better, leading to more excitement and pleasure for submissives. But! As a dominant, I want more excitement and pleasure, too. :-) So, here are matching tips for subs. This note was vastly improved by several subs who wish to remain anonymous, including one special, clever girl. Thank you. Further suggestions are welcome.
You can find "Dominance Tips" where you found this notecard. Much of that advice applies to submissives, like "7. Pay attention to detail."
1. First impressions count.
2. Dress for success.
3. Hunt. Be hunted. Or move on.
4. Kneel with your body and your mind.
5. Don't whine.
6. Be vivid.
7. Make him feel good.
8. Know your limits.
9. Communication is your responsibility, too.
10. There will be other subs.
* Remember
* Sharing These Materials
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1. First impressions count.
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Some subs will give a dominant three, four, or five chances to prove his abilities. Alas, there seem to be few doms and many subs. So a sub may not get a second chance. Make the most of any meeting with a new dom: he might be the one you want. To prepare for that opportunity, you should...
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2. Dress for success.
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You must invest in at least an average-quality shape, skin, and hair. In Gor, you also need at least a few "slave" outfits (silks, camisks, etc.). For your body and clothing, more expensive isn't necessarily better. Also, sometimes it's better to mix and match than to buy your whole look from a single designer. Some subs have so many outfits that they will happily share with a newcomer. Don't be afraid to ask for advice from subs whose look you admire. Shopping and dressing together can be fun bonding experiences!
Props, pose balls, and scripted pussies etc. are a matter of taste. Some doms want you to have them, while others focus more on words (like me). Of course, the right naughty toy can re-inspire any dom. When you can, help other subs with their clothing and appearance. If you can, learn how to make clothing and accessories. Then you can be sure that you look unique. Finally, while doms really do like boobies and bums, naked may not be as sexy as the right combination of clothing and accessories.
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3. Hunt. Be hunted. Or move on.
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If you want him, let him know. A dom may like eagerness, may like being sought after. If you're available, let him know. A dom may like vulnerability, may like the opportunity and challenge of claiming you. But it's only going to happen if he desires you. Don't be clingy, stubborn, or bitter. Sometimes, he's just not that into you.
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4. Kneel with your body and your mind.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Being submissive is more than a physical position. Be available, deferential, and selfless. Make it clear that his opinion matters more, that his choice is the final word. This doesn't mean be stupid or simple. But you are trading one kind of power (independence) for another (his fixation on you). He's a dom partly because he finds your submission very, very sexy. Trust me.
---------------------------------------------------------------
5. Don't whine.
---------------------------------------------------------------
You can waste a lot of your energy and his patience by being loudly bored. Or by being constantly upset by other people's choices. Or by being a bitch. Instead, pour that energy into being attractive to him. Make other subs wish they were in your position. They might even learn by your example!
---------------------------------------------------------------
6. Be vivid.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to grab and hold his attention, be present, provocative, and interactive. He has particular tastes, and you should experiment to discover them. Remember, there are four core kinks to online sexuality: (1) exhibitionism, because you're showing off; (2) voyeurism, because he wants to watch you; (3) dirty talk, because he wants you to talk about his cock and your pussy etc.; and (4) mind control, because you're both connecting through thoughts, not RL touch. Understand these kinks. Be creative and exciting, not just a wet slut. To expand your vocabulary, start with my notecard, "Naughty Lists."
---------------------------------------------------------------
7. Make him feel good.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A dom likes attention, and likes having his ego stroked. Mmm. Ego stroking. Make him feel handsome and desirable. For example, mention his tight abs, strong chin, or cute ass. Be careful to say it like you mean it: crap smells the same no matter where you are.
Even if you've earned his collar, you still need to show your adoration, and to keep things hot. Keep flirting. Keep teasing. If he's good, there are probably half a dozen subs trying to get his attention. But you've got the advantage, because you can greet him in his own house. Wearing whatever. Kneeling on the furs.
---------------------------------------------------------------
8. Know your limits.
---------------------------------------------------------------
What squicks you? You'll probably change your mind from time to time. But if you're not clear with yourself and with him, things can get awkward or messy. Not the good kind of messy. At the very least, if your limits aren't clear or relatively stable, you'll confuse him. A good starting place for thinking about and discussing limits is my notecard, "20 Questions for Tops & Bottoms."
---------------------------------------------------------------
9. Communication is your responsibility, too.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A dom may be very busy, especially if he has a business or a leadership role. It's reasonable to expect some communication, about when he might be available, or what he wants from you. Just remember, there is a fine line between being engaging and being overly chatty. Pay attention to what he says and how he says it. Short IMs? Probably in a hurry, so make your response pleasant and to the point. Talkative? Demonstrate that you're listening. Irritated? Try being soothing, even distracting. He will adore you for being thoughtful and undemanding.
---------------------------------------------------------------
10. There will be other subs.
---------------------------------------------------------------
He will look. He will touch. He may have sex. He may own several subs. If you want to be his first choice, you have to work for it. Don't just get jealous. Get creative. Keep his interest by being interesting. The novelty of something new is magical, but you can be new again and again, if you are creative.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Remember
---------------------------------------------------------------
Submission is beautiful and sexy. You have something a dom wants. If you properly inspire him, he will show his appreciation. If you're lacking in any way, you can work on it, and improve. The tips in this note are a starting place. Talk with other subs. Talk with doms. Become the sub you want to be.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
This notecard is part of a collection called "Sensuality Azure by Kandr Newall". This collection is licensed as Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike (http://creativecommons.org/). Please don't sell this notecard. Please distribute and modify this notecard freely. Please credit Kandr Newall as the original author.
===================================
1.2 Submission Tips
===================================
I've received compliments on my "Dominance Tips." I hope it helps dominants role-play better, leading to more excitement and pleasure for submissives. But! As a dominant, I want more excitement and pleasure, too. :-) So, here are matching tips for subs. This note was vastly improved by several subs who wish to remain anonymous, including one special, clever girl. Thank you. Further suggestions are welcome.
You can find "Dominance Tips" where you found this notecard. Much of that advice applies to submissives, like "7. Pay attention to detail."
1. First impressions count.
2. Dress for success.
3. Hunt. Be hunted. Or move on.
4. Kneel with your body and your mind.
5. Don't whine.
6. Be vivid.
7. Make him feel good.
8. Know your limits.
9. Communication is your responsibility, too.
10. There will be other subs.
* Remember
* Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
1. First impressions count.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Some subs will give a dominant three, four, or five chances to prove his abilities. Alas, there seem to be few doms and many subs. So a sub may not get a second chance. Make the most of any meeting with a new dom: he might be the one you want. To prepare for that opportunity, you should...
---------------------------------------------------------------
2. Dress for success.
---------------------------------------------------------------
You must invest in at least an average-quality shape, skin, and hair. In Gor, you also need at least a few "slave" outfits (silks, camisks, etc.). For your body and clothing, more expensive isn't necessarily better. Also, sometimes it's better to mix and match than to buy your whole look from a single designer. Some subs have so many outfits that they will happily share with a newcomer. Don't be afraid to ask for advice from subs whose look you admire. Shopping and dressing together can be fun bonding experiences!
Props, pose balls, and scripted pussies etc. are a matter of taste. Some doms want you to have them, while others focus more on words (like me). Of course, the right naughty toy can re-inspire any dom. When you can, help other subs with their clothing and appearance. If you can, learn how to make clothing and accessories. Then you can be sure that you look unique. Finally, while doms really do like boobies and bums, naked may not be as sexy as the right combination of clothing and accessories.
---------------------------------------------------------------
3. Hunt. Be hunted. Or move on.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If you want him, let him know. A dom may like eagerness, may like being sought after. If you're available, let him know. A dom may like vulnerability, may like the opportunity and challenge of claiming you. But it's only going to happen if he desires you. Don't be clingy, stubborn, or bitter. Sometimes, he's just not that into you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
4. Kneel with your body and your mind.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Being submissive is more than a physical position. Be available, deferential, and selfless. Make it clear that his opinion matters more, that his choice is the final word. This doesn't mean be stupid or simple. But you are trading one kind of power (independence) for another (his fixation on you). He's a dom partly because he finds your submission very, very sexy. Trust me.
---------------------------------------------------------------
5. Don't whine.
---------------------------------------------------------------
You can waste a lot of your energy and his patience by being loudly bored. Or by being constantly upset by other people's choices. Or by being a bitch. Instead, pour that energy into being attractive to him. Make other subs wish they were in your position. They might even learn by your example!
---------------------------------------------------------------
6. Be vivid.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to grab and hold his attention, be present, provocative, and interactive. He has particular tastes, and you should experiment to discover them. Remember, there are four core kinks to online sexuality: (1) exhibitionism, because you're showing off; (2) voyeurism, because he wants to watch you; (3) dirty talk, because he wants you to talk about his cock and your pussy etc.; and (4) mind control, because you're both connecting through thoughts, not RL touch. Understand these kinks. Be creative and exciting, not just a wet slut. To expand your vocabulary, start with my notecard, "Naughty Lists."
---------------------------------------------------------------
7. Make him feel good.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A dom likes attention, and likes having his ego stroked. Mmm. Ego stroking. Make him feel handsome and desirable. For example, mention his tight abs, strong chin, or cute ass. Be careful to say it like you mean it: crap smells the same no matter where you are.
Even if you've earned his collar, you still need to show your adoration, and to keep things hot. Keep flirting. Keep teasing. If he's good, there are probably half a dozen subs trying to get his attention. But you've got the advantage, because you can greet him in his own house. Wearing whatever. Kneeling on the furs.
---------------------------------------------------------------
8. Know your limits.
---------------------------------------------------------------
What squicks you? You'll probably change your mind from time to time. But if you're not clear with yourself and with him, things can get awkward or messy. Not the good kind of messy. At the very least, if your limits aren't clear or relatively stable, you'll confuse him. A good starting place for thinking about and discussing limits is my notecard, "20 Questions for Tops & Bottoms."
---------------------------------------------------------------
9. Communication is your responsibility, too.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A dom may be very busy, especially if he has a business or a leadership role. It's reasonable to expect some communication, about when he might be available, or what he wants from you. Just remember, there is a fine line between being engaging and being overly chatty. Pay attention to what he says and how he says it. Short IMs? Probably in a hurry, so make your response pleasant and to the point. Talkative? Demonstrate that you're listening. Irritated? Try being soothing, even distracting. He will adore you for being thoughtful and undemanding.
---------------------------------------------------------------
10. There will be other subs.
---------------------------------------------------------------
He will look. He will touch. He may have sex. He may own several subs. If you want to be his first choice, you have to work for it. Don't just get jealous. Get creative. Keep his interest by being interesting. The novelty of something new is magical, but you can be new again and again, if you are creative.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Remember
---------------------------------------------------------------
Submission is beautiful and sexy. You have something a dom wants. If you properly inspire him, he will show his appreciation. If you're lacking in any way, you can work on it, and improve. The tips in this note are a starting place. Talk with other subs. Talk with doms. Become the sub you want to be.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
This notecard is part of a collection called "Sensuality Azure by Kandr Newall". This collection is licensed as Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike (http://creativecommons.org/). Please don't sell this notecard. Please distribute and modify this notecard freely. Please credit Kandr Newall as the original author.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Reminder: Reading starts tonight
Come hear The Master's Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance, by Jack Rinella. Kandr Newall will read aloud every Thu 8-9 pm SL, at the Blue Angel Poets' Dive, starting 10 Jun. Kandr studies and practices D/s in SL and 1L. He hopes this reading will be entertaining and provocative.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Reading: The Master's Manual
Come hear The Master's Manual: A Handbook of Erotic Dominance, by Jack Rinella. Kandr Newall will read aloud every Thu 8-9 pm SL, at the Blue Angel Poets' Dive, starting 10 Jun. Kandr studies and practices D/s in SL and 1L. He hopes this reading will be entertaining and provocative.
http://slurl.com/secondlife/Kolor/24/143/1499
http://slurl.com/secondlife/Kolor/24/143/1499
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Sensuality Azure: Dominance Tips
In the past, I've held public classes on in SL. The topics included D/s. Over time, I assembled my materials under the title Sensuality Azure, and I've used them in training. I'll share some of the more interesting and useful materials here.
===================================
1.1 Dominance Tips
===================================
Over the years, I've been privileged to be part of IC scenes and OOC conversations with some sexy, well-written submissives. As a dominant, I've paid close attention, because these much-sought-after individuals sometimes talk about disappointing RP and sex. The art of pleasing submissives (and thus playing with them again/often) can't be reduced to a list. But some mistakes seem to occur so frequently that maybe some kind of list would help. I'm not an expert, and further suggestions are very welcome. But without further ado...
1. Ask, or you'll never get any.
2. Know what you want, or at least guess.
3. Focus on the person you're with.
4. Strive for pose-length and -quality compatibility.
5. There are more than two erogenous zones.
6. Read your partner's profile.
7. Pay attention to detail.
8. Foreplay is everything.
9. Sex is good. Sex with RP is better.
10. Write well: creative, vivid, contextual, timely.
* Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
1. Ask, or you'll never get any.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Most submissives here are actively looking for sensual RP at least, with a very good chance of something more. Remember 8th grade dances, with most of the girls on one side of the room and most of the boys on the other? Didn't you wish you were one of the boys brave enough to actually be dancing with someone soft and sweet-smelling?
---------------------------------------------------------------
2. Know what you want, or at least guess.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If I had a nickel for every time a submissive complains that a dominant wants her to lead a scene.... Try truth in advertising: if you don't want to be a dom, don't suit up as one. From my own experience, I'm happily amazed at what I can get away with by projecting confidence.
---------------------------------------------------------------
3. Focus on the person you're with.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If she's graced you with her attention, don't spend your poses wistfully watching another leave, or squander your opportunity IMing elsewhere. You may think she won't notice, but according to her, she already has.
---------------------------------------------------------------
4. Strive for pose-length and -quality compatibility.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Some people like short and brisk poses. Some like longer and more literary. Pay attention to your partner, but don't spend so long composing that she hears crickets.
---------------------------------------------------------------
5. There are more than two erogenous zones.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Her breasts are a nice place to visit, and she probably won't mind your arrival at her pussy. But what about her lips, neck, back, hips, thighs, toes, and anywhere else the Goddess gave her nerve clusters? If only there was a way to learn what gets her off. Oh, right…
---------------------------------------------------------------
6. Read your partner's profile.
---------------------------------------------------------------
She spent time and thought on it. It may even tell you exactly what she wants. Isn't cyberspace cool? Most women are thoughtful, specific, and quite certain about what they like, don't like, and won't do. Being a dominant is not just about what you want. Really.
---------------------------------------------------------------
7. Pay attention to detail.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Mentioning the color of her hair, the lines of her clothing, the feel of your hands on her skin, the sound of your voice: this distinguishes arousing from anatomical. And it shows you're writing for her, not just using generic material.
---------------------------------------------------------------
8. Foreplay is everything.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If you don't understand this, I really don't know what to say. But here goes. On a good day, anyone can probably stretch the description of an orgasm out for a few sentences. Maybe you can be very expressive about thrusting and grunting, but that quickly leads to repetition. What's the opposite of repetition? Creative foreplay. And that's directly related to…
---------------------------------------------------------------
9. Sex is good. Sex with RP is better.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A quick, no-frills shag has its merits, and some women I know even have avatars for just that. But if her profile asks for RP, don't IM "Hey baby! Wanna feel my ten inches?" Creating a rich tapestry takes many threads: flirting, innuendo, shared activities (like shopping), shared sensual activities (like bathing), and more. Women do like sex, and submissive women do like dominant sex, but women also like depth in a relationship, even a fictional one.
---------------------------------------------------------------
10. Write well: creative, vivid, contextual, timely.
---------------------------------------------------------------
It's been said many times, many ways: online, it's the best writers who get laid. Bad speller? Use a word processor, then cut and paste. Use a thesaurus. Try figurative language. Vary sentence length. Read erotica. Read articles on how to write erotica. Work on your keyboarding speed. etc. etc.
Sex is healthy and can be wonderful. You've already distinguished yourself by choosing a co-constructed erotic experience (instead of just surfing porn). If you can confidently promise a submissive sincere, thoughtful, sensual attention (with or without literary excellence), and deliver on that promise, she will remember you. And that means she'll return your future IMs. ;-)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
This notecard is part of a collection called "Sensuality Azure by Kandr Newall". This collection is licensed as Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike (http://creativecommons.org/). Please don't sell this notecard. Please distribute and modify this notecard freely. Please credit Kandr Newall as the original author.)
===================================
1.1 Dominance Tips
===================================
Over the years, I've been privileged to be part of IC scenes and OOC conversations with some sexy, well-written submissives. As a dominant, I've paid close attention, because these much-sought-after individuals sometimes talk about disappointing RP and sex. The art of pleasing submissives (and thus playing with them again/often) can't be reduced to a list. But some mistakes seem to occur so frequently that maybe some kind of list would help. I'm not an expert, and further suggestions are very welcome. But without further ado...
1. Ask, or you'll never get any.
2. Know what you want, or at least guess.
3. Focus on the person you're with.
4. Strive for pose-length and -quality compatibility.
5. There are more than two erogenous zones.
6. Read your partner's profile.
7. Pay attention to detail.
8. Foreplay is everything.
9. Sex is good. Sex with RP is better.
10. Write well: creative, vivid, contextual, timely.
* Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
1. Ask, or you'll never get any.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Most submissives here are actively looking for sensual RP at least, with a very good chance of something more. Remember 8th grade dances, with most of the girls on one side of the room and most of the boys on the other? Didn't you wish you were one of the boys brave enough to actually be dancing with someone soft and sweet-smelling?
---------------------------------------------------------------
2. Know what you want, or at least guess.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If I had a nickel for every time a submissive complains that a dominant wants her to lead a scene.... Try truth in advertising: if you don't want to be a dom, don't suit up as one. From my own experience, I'm happily amazed at what I can get away with by projecting confidence.
---------------------------------------------------------------
3. Focus on the person you're with.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If she's graced you with her attention, don't spend your poses wistfully watching another leave, or squander your opportunity IMing elsewhere. You may think she won't notice, but according to her, she already has.
---------------------------------------------------------------
4. Strive for pose-length and -quality compatibility.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Some people like short and brisk poses. Some like longer and more literary. Pay attention to your partner, but don't spend so long composing that she hears crickets.
---------------------------------------------------------------
5. There are more than two erogenous zones.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Her breasts are a nice place to visit, and she probably won't mind your arrival at her pussy. But what about her lips, neck, back, hips, thighs, toes, and anywhere else the Goddess gave her nerve clusters? If only there was a way to learn what gets her off. Oh, right…
---------------------------------------------------------------
6. Read your partner's profile.
---------------------------------------------------------------
She spent time and thought on it. It may even tell you exactly what she wants. Isn't cyberspace cool? Most women are thoughtful, specific, and quite certain about what they like, don't like, and won't do. Being a dominant is not just about what you want. Really.
---------------------------------------------------------------
7. Pay attention to detail.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Mentioning the color of her hair, the lines of her clothing, the feel of your hands on her skin, the sound of your voice: this distinguishes arousing from anatomical. And it shows you're writing for her, not just using generic material.
---------------------------------------------------------------
8. Foreplay is everything.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If you don't understand this, I really don't know what to say. But here goes. On a good day, anyone can probably stretch the description of an orgasm out for a few sentences. Maybe you can be very expressive about thrusting and grunting, but that quickly leads to repetition. What's the opposite of repetition? Creative foreplay. And that's directly related to…
---------------------------------------------------------------
9. Sex is good. Sex with RP is better.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A quick, no-frills shag has its merits, and some women I know even have avatars for just that. But if her profile asks for RP, don't IM "Hey baby! Wanna feel my ten inches?" Creating a rich tapestry takes many threads: flirting, innuendo, shared activities (like shopping), shared sensual activities (like bathing), and more. Women do like sex, and submissive women do like dominant sex, but women also like depth in a relationship, even a fictional one.
---------------------------------------------------------------
10. Write well: creative, vivid, contextual, timely.
---------------------------------------------------------------
It's been said many times, many ways: online, it's the best writers who get laid. Bad speller? Use a word processor, then cut and paste. Use a thesaurus. Try figurative language. Vary sentence length. Read erotica. Read articles on how to write erotica. Work on your keyboarding speed. etc. etc.
Sex is healthy and can be wonderful. You've already distinguished yourself by choosing a co-constructed erotic experience (instead of just surfing porn). If you can confidently promise a submissive sincere, thoughtful, sensual attention (with or without literary excellence), and deliver on that promise, she will remember you. And that means she'll return your future IMs. ;-)
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
This notecard is part of a collection called "Sensuality Azure by Kandr Newall". This collection is licensed as Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike (http://creativecommons.org/). Please don't sell this notecard. Please distribute and modify this notecard freely. Please credit Kandr Newall as the original author.)
Monday, May 31, 2010
Responses to Your Responses, 20-26 May 2010
Moose said: "Remember if your not absolutely lovin it then dont do it!" Just so. Reflecting on our tastes and limits is critical, and we should revisit them periodically, because they may change. Some subs fall into the psychic trap of believing they must frequently or constantly endure experiences that dull or cut their spirit, in order to be "good subs". No. As Moose also said: "Some dominants are just plain bullies or worse. Unfortunately some submissives think being a sub is submitting to abuse."
Moose also talked about "assisting dominants who might be inexperienced." I've starting thinking more about "junior doms and junior subs." We should encourage and nurture newcomers, to grow the community (both Dark Den and the larger D/s and kink community). puyin rightly said that we need to encourage those who are "educable", and politely deter those who aren't, those who Moose says "have no clue what they are doing and will not listen because they think they are doing it right and everyone else is wrong."
My beloved primary rightly balanced my argument about subs challenging Doms, saying that a smart sub may be testing a Dom, to see whether he has the flexibility and cleverness to handle complexity. She wants a Dom to use "my sensuality against me." I can't say it better than that.
I was clumsy in my thoughts on protocol. As puyin amended, I was trying to outline ways that players could demonstrate excellence through their avatars. I unwisely mixed it in with my discussion of enforcement. Subs with the right attitude should be encouraged and reinforced, regardless of their players' present skills. Any IC correction should probably be coupled with OOC IMs, to ensure that protocol play is enjoyable for both. My larger point was that Doms and subs should think about each others' experiences, since D/s should be about mutual pleasure, not lockstep adherence to protocol.
I like the open structure at Dark Den very much, and I wouldn't want to see it changed, or limited to D/s or BDSM. Specific subcultures might want to be more organized and D/s oriented (e.g., Sisterhood, EM, the relationship between Sisterhood and EM), but people should be free to play in other ways (i.e., by not joining the Sisterhood if they don't like how it's organized).
I like ROPE. I've completed the certification. I recommend the classes and examination process. I'm a very experienced role-player, and I learned some new things.
Take-in-Hand is very intriguing. Thank you, Tami, for calling our attention to it. I'm still reading and processing on it.
Regarding what I'm calling classic D/s, with male Dom and female sub... Arguments about what's natural or found among other animals have limited appeal to me, for D/s or homosexuality or whatever. We are animals, and we are sentient. Both aspects of our nature matter. I want everyone to enjoy themselves and the partner(s) of their choice, in healthy relationships that stroke their kinks and make them ultimately feel fulfilled. I love the live-and-let-live climate in Dark Den, and I hope that any partners in any combination or of gender, species, and D/s (or not) feel welcome. (Obviously, I'm not referring to combinations that violate our OOC rules.)
Personally, I find strong ties between my identity as a man and my identity as a dominant. But I don't assume that others find the same match in their identities, nor assume that I am the right man or the right dominant for every submissive woman I meet.
Some of you talked about the shortage of men. I'll probably say more about that in a future post.
Finally, repeatedly and respectfully... the reason I'm focused on D/s in this blog is because I was asked to offer some vision and provocation about D/s in Dark Den, as a D/s Coach. And because that's why I'm in SL: sensuality, sexuality, and D/s. I have a voice in Dark Den, but it's one among many. Thanks to all of you for sharing your voices so far.
Moose also talked about "assisting dominants who might be inexperienced." I've starting thinking more about "junior doms and junior subs." We should encourage and nurture newcomers, to grow the community (both Dark Den and the larger D/s and kink community). puyin rightly said that we need to encourage those who are "educable", and politely deter those who aren't, those who Moose says "have no clue what they are doing and will not listen because they think they are doing it right and everyone else is wrong."
My beloved primary rightly balanced my argument about subs challenging Doms, saying that a smart sub may be testing a Dom, to see whether he has the flexibility and cleverness to handle complexity. She wants a Dom to use "my sensuality against me." I can't say it better than that.
I was clumsy in my thoughts on protocol. As puyin amended, I was trying to outline ways that players could demonstrate excellence through their avatars. I unwisely mixed it in with my discussion of enforcement. Subs with the right attitude should be encouraged and reinforced, regardless of their players' present skills. Any IC correction should probably be coupled with OOC IMs, to ensure that protocol play is enjoyable for both. My larger point was that Doms and subs should think about each others' experiences, since D/s should be about mutual pleasure, not lockstep adherence to protocol.
I like the open structure at Dark Den very much, and I wouldn't want to see it changed, or limited to D/s or BDSM. Specific subcultures might want to be more organized and D/s oriented (e.g., Sisterhood, EM, the relationship between Sisterhood and EM), but people should be free to play in other ways (i.e., by not joining the Sisterhood if they don't like how it's organized).
I like ROPE. I've completed the certification. I recommend the classes and examination process. I'm a very experienced role-player, and I learned some new things.
Take-in-Hand is very intriguing. Thank you, Tami, for calling our attention to it. I'm still reading and processing on it.
Regarding what I'm calling classic D/s, with male Dom and female sub... Arguments about what's natural or found among other animals have limited appeal to me, for D/s or homosexuality or whatever. We are animals, and we are sentient. Both aspects of our nature matter. I want everyone to enjoy themselves and the partner(s) of their choice, in healthy relationships that stroke their kinks and make them ultimately feel fulfilled. I love the live-and-let-live climate in Dark Den, and I hope that any partners in any combination or of gender, species, and D/s (or not) feel welcome. (Obviously, I'm not referring to combinations that violate our OOC rules.)
Personally, I find strong ties between my identity as a man and my identity as a dominant. But I don't assume that others find the same match in their identities, nor assume that I am the right man or the right dominant for every submissive woman I meet.
Some of you talked about the shortage of men. I'll probably say more about that in a future post.
Finally, repeatedly and respectfully... the reason I'm focused on D/s in this blog is because I was asked to offer some vision and provocation about D/s in Dark Den, as a D/s Coach. And because that's why I'm in SL: sensuality, sexuality, and D/s. I have a voice in Dark Den, but it's one among many. Thanks to all of you for sharing your voices so far.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Square One
Welcome to my blog. I've been asked to serve as a Dominance/submission (D/s) Coach in Dark Den (DD). DD is a marvelous place in Second Life (SL), combining a sane out-of-character (OOC) community, consistent In Character (IC) public role-play (RP), and public erotica (including sex). Yum.
OK, DD has a mostly-sane OOC community. People who enjoy RP, D/s, and sex are passionate. Passionate people are always a little crazy, myself included. As my uncle told me before I got married, one key to a successful relationship is to take turns being crazy.
DD is owned and administrated by YT Recreant. YT chose me as one of several D/s Coaches. She loosely defined the role. She wrote that if a Coach was qualified, they would already know what to do. Clever.
While I'm still learning DD, I know D/s very well. I want to help sustain and improve DD, especially the D/s climate, while continuing to study the endless, fascinating complexities of sensuality and power exchange.
For this and many reasons, I'm starting this blog. I want my fellow kinksters at DD to know me, even if our prime times don't match, or our tastes run different. I'll try to provoke some thinking and discussion. As you know me better, I hope you'll be more comfortable approaching me, when I might be able to help or support or just listen.
Why am I Dom, and why should you consider my ideas? I have been with my beloved primary for about 16 years. We recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. My beloved has a bedroom collar and an everyday collar. She discovered her submission first, and asked me to explore Dominance. In many ways, I've been a Dom all my life. I just needed to learn the language, so that I could be a mindful Dom, and properly study and improve. Fundamentally, I'm a Dom because I love my primary. She is my best of all friends, and the most desirable of all women. I am a Dom because I want to bring out the best in her.
Also, I like kinky sex and I'm a control freak.
Master SuperMaster says, "A true Dom never makes a mistake."
I am not Master SuperMaster (MSM). You'll know this if you play with me, because you'll see me make mistakes. MSM is a fictional character my beloved and I have joked about for years. MSM is a parody, combining the most ridiculous and dangerous beliefs and behaviors we've encountered among so-called Masters in SL.
In this blog, MSM will periodically be my sparring partner. I'll let him take a swing, and then I'll show how absurd, even hurtful, his ideas are. I usually don't capitalize pronouns for Dominants (e.g., "I'll let Him take a swing"), but even if I did, Master SuperMaster wouldn't get this honor.
So... Welcome, and thanks for reading. I hope you find this blog entertaining and useful.
OK, DD has a mostly-sane OOC community. People who enjoy RP, D/s, and sex are passionate. Passionate people are always a little crazy, myself included. As my uncle told me before I got married, one key to a successful relationship is to take turns being crazy.
DD is owned and administrated by YT Recreant. YT chose me as one of several D/s Coaches. She loosely defined the role. She wrote that if a Coach was qualified, they would already know what to do. Clever.
While I'm still learning DD, I know D/s very well. I want to help sustain and improve DD, especially the D/s climate, while continuing to study the endless, fascinating complexities of sensuality and power exchange.
For this and many reasons, I'm starting this blog. I want my fellow kinksters at DD to know me, even if our prime times don't match, or our tastes run different. I'll try to provoke some thinking and discussion. As you know me better, I hope you'll be more comfortable approaching me, when I might be able to help or support or just listen.
Why am I Dom, and why should you consider my ideas? I have been with my beloved primary for about 16 years. We recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. My beloved has a bedroom collar and an everyday collar. She discovered her submission first, and asked me to explore Dominance. In many ways, I've been a Dom all my life. I just needed to learn the language, so that I could be a mindful Dom, and properly study and improve. Fundamentally, I'm a Dom because I love my primary. She is my best of all friends, and the most desirable of all women. I am a Dom because I want to bring out the best in her.
Also, I like kinky sex and I'm a control freak.
Master SuperMaster says, "A true Dom never makes a mistake."
I am not Master SuperMaster (MSM). You'll know this if you play with me, because you'll see me make mistakes. MSM is a fictional character my beloved and I have joked about for years. MSM is a parody, combining the most ridiculous and dangerous beliefs and behaviors we've encountered among so-called Masters in SL.
In this blog, MSM will periodically be my sparring partner. I'll let him take a swing, and then I'll show how absurd, even hurtful, his ideas are. I usually don't capitalize pronouns for Dominants (e.g., "I'll let Him take a swing"), but even if I did, Master SuperMaster wouldn't get this honor.
So... Welcome, and thanks for reading. I hope you find this blog entertaining and useful.
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