Jack Rinella: On Power and Ownership

I'm reading Rinella's The Master's Manual aloud every Thursday evening (including tonight). Here are some more provocative excerpts.

Fundamentally, those who aspire to be masters and mistresses must be comfortable with power. That means they need the ability to acquire it, use it, live with its consequences, to overcome the negative connotations inherent in being powerful, and to elude the corruption it may bring and the conceit it is liable to engender. (p. 85)

I, on the contrary, exhort you to claim your right to dominate, to rule, in fact, to enslave. ... To do that, you must first claim yourself. If you can not rule yourself, you can not rule others. A master needs to be comfortable with what it means to control another. Masters are responsible, directive, decisive. They need to be able to accept service, attention, the "gift of self" that a slave desires to bestow on his or her owner. (p. 86)

What does it feel like to own someone? ... It's a challenge. Owning someone is taking the responsibility to train them, to make them what you want them to be while letting them be what they have to be; letting them experience their own growth, while you grow. (p. 89)

What kind of advice would you give to someone who said they wanted to be a master? ... Understand the responsibility. Understand the depth of the relationship. Try to understand whether or not the person who wants to be your slave is just a bottom, or just curious, or whether or not they are willing to make that kind of commitment. When a person becomes a slave, he really gives himself up to a master. Slavery is not a part-time kind of thing. Either you're someone's slave, or you're not. It's hard for most people to make that kind of major commitment. People really have to be in the right space to make it, to say, "Here I am. Take me. Do with me as you will." (p. 91)

The Master's Manual on Amazon.com

About the Reading

BDSM Folks I Can Do Without

This is long, but full of good advice. I particularly like:

Being a master is like being enlightened. If you have to tell people that you are--you aren't.

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Note: These pages are copyright by Franklin Veaux. You may reproduce the contents of these pages, provided you do so intact and unedited.
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.:CAUTION:.

This is a rant. It's based on my own personal experiences in the BDSM community. Some people may not like the characterizations in here. You've been warned.
I've been involved in both BDSM and polyamory since long before I had words to describe eaither (and, for that matter, since before the word "polyamory" even existed). I've been part of the organized poly community for quite a number of years, but generally speaking, I've tended to avoid the organized BDSM community.

Lately, I've been spending a lot more time in the BDSM community, and I'm beginning to remember why it is I've avoided it.

A friend of mine who lives, like I do, in both worlds once described a poly meeting as "Kind of like a BDSM munch, but the people are nicer." And there's a bit of truth to it.

This is not a diatribe against everyone in the BDSM community. I've met some very cool, very intelligent people in the scene, and many of these people I count among my friends.

But there are also quite a number of people I've encountered who are about as much fun as a toothache. To wit:

The "7th Level Antler-Headed Yak Boy (fourth house, nineteenth tax district)" types.

These are the guys (and they're almost always men) who form elaborate societies with intricate rules and protocols, and give themselves incredibly flowery titles (which they insist on using to refer to themselves, and may insist that others use as well) to boot.

There's nothing wrong with any of that. The problem comes from the idea that once you've mastered someone's list of rules, probably yanked from some old pulp science-fiction novel, that you've mastered all the intricities of domination and submission, and you're now fit to rule the world or some damn thing. You haven't; you've just memorized someone else's rules. D/s is arguably one of the most complex forms of all human relationships, and it's different for everyone--something that works for one person doesn't apply to another. Mastering one set of protocols no more makes you an expert than mastering macaroni and cheese makes you a five-star chef.

The pathologically insecure.

These people often refer to themselves exclusively as "Master (or Mistress) Thus-and Such," and are more than happy to describe you exactly, in great deal, how and why they've mastered the fine art of BDSM, and why you should be grateful to sit at their feet and pick up such crumbs of arcane knowledge they see fit to provide.

Disagree with them, even about something minor, and the entire elaborate facade built to protect their insecurities comes crashing down. You have not seen histronics until you've suggested to such a person that perhaps there's some element of D/s he hasn't considered.

Hint: Being a master is like being enlightened. If you have to tell people that you are--you aren't.

The Domly Doms.

These guys--and again, they're almost always guys--self-identify as alpha males; they strut, they preen, they impress one another with the size of their stables of submissives. Their submissives never stick around for long; the stables rotate, because at the end of the day, interspecies dating never works. It's just too damn hard for a human submissive to maintain a romance with a peacock.

The completely unsocialized.

These are the ones who can make a convention of stereotypical computer nerds point and say "Damn, those people have poor social skills!" (And yes, I know that the stereotypes of computer nerds are quite often wrong.)

Many of these guys lead one to suspect that they're part of the community because no other community'll have them.

Hint: I understand foot fetishes as much as the next guy, but do not walk up to me and, without introduction, ask me to take off my shoes. Especially if you don't know my sexual orientation and you're a guy. What's that, you say? There's nothing sexual about feet? Well, guess what--anything that arouses you or gets you off is an intimate act, even if, in a different context, it might be completely benign.

The One True Wayers.

These are usually the people in "TPE" (total power exchange) relationships--people who live acting out a full-time master/slave relationship, who sneer at the "players"--namely, those who don't live their entire lives in their roles--and especially those who (oh, dear God) switch roles.

Hint: If you predicate the whole of your romantic relationship, and indeed the whole of your life, along a single axis, don't think even for half a second that you have a deeper understanding of D/s than those whose experience is broader and whose palettes are wider. You want to live in a master/slave relationship? Hey, that's cool, whatever turns you on. You want to think that gives you a better understanding of the right way to do it? Go sit in the back of the bus with the Baptists, the fundamentalist Muslims, and all the other yahoos who think there's only one right way to live.

The Wannabe Doms.

You can find these people all over the Internet--and, for a change, they're not mostly men. These people appear to be equal-opportunity offenders, and I've encountered about as many women as men who fall into this role.

These are the ones who believe that because they consider themselves dominant, the rest of the world should too. Many of them are often poorly socialized as well, which is quite a double-whammy.

You can spot 'em right away. They're the ones who, upon learning that someone is a submissive, immediately demand that that person be submissive to them. They're the ones who open a conversation with a submissive they've only just met with "You will call me Master and you will learn to worship me." They seem to see submissives as commodities, not as people, and begin every encounter with the idea that every submissive in the world will submit to them because, hey, they're Doms, right?

Hint: Respect is earned, not automatic. If you want a submissive to respect you, first prove that you deserve it. The people you see in the community, the people you see at play parties, who command widespread respect? They earned it. And by the way, just because someone is a submissive, that does not automatically mean he or she should submit to you. If you don't even know this person's name and have not yet established any kind of relationship whatsoever with this person, assuming you deserve this person's submission is a bit premature, wanker. Submissives exist for more than your own fantasy fulfillment!

The Desperate Subbies.

These are the flip side of the wannabe doms--the people who're so desperate to find a dominant that they'll stick anyone into that slot. Upon learning that someone is a dom, the Desperate Subbiess immediately assume that this person will automatically want to dominate them, and will run up to anyone they see who even remotely looks the least little bit dominant with "Oh, Master, I'm desperate to serve you!"

In some extreme cases, these people cross the line from annoying to outright self-destructive, as they'll sometimes abandon even basic concerns for safety and self-preservation in their attempts to find someone, anyone, to dominate them. Fortunately, Desperate Subbies are rare, and can be spotted from a mile away. Unfortunately, Desperate Subbies occasionally become statistics.

Hint: The relationship between a dominant and a submissive is a partnership. Even when it's a transient partnership, like at a play party, it's still a partnership. Don't go pledging your submission to someone until after you've determined that he or she is interested in you, and for God's sake, don't go pledging your submission to someone you don't even know, or to everyone you meet who seems the least bit interested in you. Dominants are people, not fantasy fulfillment objects...and every now and then, a person who calls himself a dominant isn't actually a dominant at all, but a predator who sees you as the prey, you know? Getting to know someone before you submit to him or her is a very good strategy to avoid becoming a statistic.

Note: These pages are copyright by Franklin Veaux. You may reproduce the contents of these pages, provided you do so intact and unedited.

Profile Pieces: Dusty Laviscu on Submission

I enjoy reading Profiles. I spend significant thought and effort on mine. Here's a piece from Dusty Laviscu's Profile that I find worth sharing.

Submission is not a sign of weakness or inferiority. *Submission does not indicate lack of intelligence or motivation. Most subs are very intelligent, creative & are highly motivated people. *Submission is not a hidden desire for pain or humiliation.*Submission is not the same as passivity. Subs are not passive. They participate actively & are thinking individuals. *Submission is not something that can be demanded or forced. The definition of the word means it is a willing act. A sub submits because they have chosen to do so, not because someone forced them. *Submission is not a miserable state of existence. Most subs are happy, well balanced people who are simply fulfilling their nature. *Submission is not slavery. A sub has not given up their right to choose but has given some of those choices to another to make for them. They have input into their relationship & maintain their identity.*Submission does not indicate sexual promiscuity. Subs are not sex crazed nymphomaniacs who cannot control their drives.

Subspace

Someone asked me about subspace. After I gave my answer, I decided to ask some of my submissive friends whether I got it "right." They liked my answer, so here it is. I'm curious what others would add or change.

Subspace. It's a topic both complex and ill-structured. It's something we could talk about for a very long time. Plenty is written about it. The short version, for me... Subspace is an altered state. It may be accompanied by an external, physical, altered state, like restraints, and/or an internal, physical, altered state, like changes in breathing, pulse and blood pressure (e.g., a rush of blood to the head), muscle tension, and arousal. But the more important dimension of subspace is the mental altered state. Subspace is a place of acceptance and willingness, in which the sub lets go of control, fear, hesitation, and some self-awareness. For different subs with different doms on different days in different scenes, subspace may be easier or harder to enter. Subspace should be an act of trust, although aggressive nonconsensual methods may achieve it (like torture or brainwashing).

A particularly important point to remember is aftercare. When a scene ends and a sub is leaving subspace, the return of control and self-awareness can be disorienting. A dom must be ready to care for the disoriented sub. It can dangerous to leave a sub in subspace or not properly bring her back, both for the experience to sub herself, and because she's vulnerable (e.g., someone else could compel her to break one of her limits, while she's still in subspace).

My choice of pronouns is arbitrary, in this post and throughout this blog. Men, women, or other can be put in subspace by men, women, or other.

I'm happy to talk more about these things.

Sensuality Azure: Submission Tips

Here is another notecard from my Sensuality Azure training materials. The male dom, female sub language is arbitrary.

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1.2 Submission Tips
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I've received compliments on my "Dominance Tips." I hope it helps dominants role-play better, leading to more excitement and pleasure for submissives. But! As a dominant, I want more excitement and pleasure, too. :-) So, here are matching tips for subs. This note was vastly improved by several subs who wish to remain anonymous, including one special, clever girl. Thank you. Further suggestions are welcome.

You can find "Dominance Tips" where you found this notecard. Much of that advice applies to submissives, like "7. Pay attention to detail."

1. First impressions count.
2. Dress for success.
3. Hunt. Be hunted. Or move on.
4. Kneel with your body and your mind.
5. Don't whine.
6. Be vivid.
7. Make him feel good.
8. Know your limits.
9. Communication is your responsibility, too.
10. There will be other subs.
* Remember
* Sharing These Materials

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1. First impressions count.
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Some subs will give a dominant three, four, or five chances to prove his abilities. Alas, there seem to be few doms and many subs. So a sub may not get a second chance. Make the most of any meeting with a new dom: he might be the one you want. To prepare for that opportunity, you should...

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2. Dress for success.
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You must invest in at least an average-quality shape, skin, and hair. In Gor, you also need at least a few "slave" outfits (silks, camisks, etc.). For your body and clothing, more expensive isn't necessarily better. Also, sometimes it's better to mix and match than to buy your whole look from a single designer. Some subs have so many outfits that they will happily share with a newcomer. Don't be afraid to ask for advice from subs whose look you admire. Shopping and dressing together can be fun bonding experiences!

Props, pose balls, and scripted pussies etc. are a matter of taste. Some doms want you to have them, while others focus more on words (like me). Of course, the right naughty toy can re-inspire any dom. When you can, help other subs with their clothing and appearance. If you can, learn how to make clothing and accessories. Then you can be sure that you look unique. Finally, while doms really do like boobies and bums, naked may not be as sexy as the right combination of clothing and accessories.

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3. Hunt. Be hunted. Or move on.
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If you want him, let him know. A dom may like eagerness, may like being sought after. If you're available, let him know. A dom may like vulnerability, may like the opportunity and challenge of claiming you. But it's only going to happen if he desires you. Don't be clingy, stubborn, or bitter. Sometimes, he's just not that into you.

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4. Kneel with your body and your mind.
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Being submissive is more than a physical position. Be available, deferential, and selfless. Make it clear that his opinion matters more, that his choice is the final word. This doesn't mean be stupid or simple. But you are trading one kind of power (independence) for another (his fixation on you). He's a dom partly because he finds your submission very, very sexy. Trust me.

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5. Don't whine.
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You can waste a lot of your energy and his patience by being loudly bored. Or by being constantly upset by other people's choices. Or by being a bitch. Instead, pour that energy into being attractive to him. Make other subs wish they were in your position. They might even learn by your example!

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6. Be vivid.
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If you want to grab and hold his attention, be present, provocative, and interactive. He has particular tastes, and you should experiment to discover them. Remember, there are four core kinks to online sexuality: (1) exhibitionism, because you're showing off; (2) voyeurism, because he wants to watch you; (3) dirty talk, because he wants you to talk about his cock and your pussy etc.; and (4) mind control, because you're both connecting through thoughts, not RL touch. Understand these kinks. Be creative and exciting, not just a wet slut. To expand your vocabulary, start with my notecard, "Naughty Lists."

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7. Make him feel good.
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A dom likes attention, and likes having his ego stroked. Mmm. Ego stroking. Make him feel handsome and desirable. For example, mention his tight abs, strong chin, or cute ass. Be careful to say it like you mean it: crap smells the same no matter where you are.

Even if you've earned his collar, you still need to show your adoration, and to keep things hot. Keep flirting. Keep teasing. If he's good, there are probably half a dozen subs trying to get his attention. But you've got the advantage, because you can greet him in his own house. Wearing whatever. Kneeling on the furs.

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8. Know your limits.
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What squicks you? You'll probably change your mind from time to time. But if you're not clear with yourself and with him, things can get awkward or messy. Not the good kind of messy. At the very least, if your limits aren't clear or relatively stable, you'll confuse him. A good starting place for thinking about and discussing limits is my notecard, "20 Questions for Tops & Bottoms."

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9. Communication is your responsibility, too.
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A dom may be very busy, especially if he has a business or a leadership role. It's reasonable to expect some communication, about when he might be available, or what he wants from you. Just remember, there is a fine line between being engaging and being overly chatty. Pay attention to what he says and how he says it. Short IMs? Probably in a hurry, so make your response pleasant and to the point. Talkative? Demonstrate that you're listening. Irritated? Try being soothing, even distracting. He will adore you for being thoughtful and undemanding.

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10. There will be other subs.
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He will look. He will touch. He may have sex. He may own several subs. If you want to be his first choice, you have to work for it. Don't just get jealous. Get creative. Keep his interest by being interesting. The novelty of something new is magical, but you can be new again and again, if you are creative.

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Remember
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Submission is beautiful and sexy. You have something a dom wants. If you properly inspire him, he will show his appreciation. If you're lacking in any way, you can work on it, and improve. The tips in this note are a starting place. Talk with other subs. Talk with doms. Become the sub you want to be.

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Sharing These Materials
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This notecard is part of a collection called "Sensuality Azure by Kandr Newall". This collection is licensed as Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike (http://creativecommons.org/). Please don't sell this notecard. Please distribute and modify this notecard freely. Please credit Kandr Newall as the original author.

The Courage to Break

This is an OOC post. I wrote this essay for Task 7 on the Elite Molesteri RP certification track in Dark Den. Since I've abandoned that track, this essay won't see broad IC circulation (i.e., it won't appear in the Dark Den blog, as planned). However, some copies are out there IC, so it's possible for you to read it IC.

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The Courage to Break

What would cause a woman to place her long-term wellness in the hands of a man? More specifically, why would a woman join the Sisterhood of Eternal Love, and how should I honor a woman who earns the privilege?

Sex can be immensely pleasurable. Sex mixed with D/s can be deeply glorious, at least for those of us who enjoy power exchange. But deep submission is a long step farther: a commitment to be fully open and available, always ready to serve a man's whims and desires. That's a powerful choice. It's the choice a woman must make to join the Sisterhood.

Men leave. That's the gray truth, relayed to me by nearly every fertile woman I've met in Dark Den. Many Dominants and other seducers come to Dark Den, and the evidence of their virility is boldly writ on the swell of tummies. But there are few fathers here.

Perhaps it's enough for a woman, if she has only the memories of such focused attention and primal sex, in which a man gave his best to her. I say "best", because if the man's passions were only for her pussy, then the best of him is whatever she keeps after he roams onward. Does she hope to recognize something in her baby? His eyes? His hair? Or perhaps she wants to untangle the fading echoes of that passion and keep them separate, like in a scrapbook. Perhaps she wants to just immerse herself in the knowledge that a great joy is coming.

Can a feminist be a submissive? I cheerfully reject that hierarchies of power naturally follow gender. I have met strong women and weak men. I'm not easily dominated, but it's a continuum, and I'm not on the end. I believe my dominance is a mix of attitude, perspective, ability, and skill. My dominance is closely tied to my masculinity. But I don't see manhood as necessary or sufficient for dominance.

I realize that from my place of male privilege, my perspective on feminism is suspect. But please indulge me. Feminism is partly about freeing a woman to make her own choices, as a reaction to forces that narrow or remove a woman's choices through targeted or ubiquitous means (e.g., blatant, unquestionable patriarchal authority; subtle, misogynist cultural norms). A society can frame choices or make them inconsequential, by how it handles issues like reproductive freedom. But suppose a woman chooses to have her choices taken away? Does harm automatically follow?

I'll be specific. Can the D/s practiced by the Elite Molesteri and the Sisterhood of Eternal Love be repressive? Absolutely. It can also be liberating. No group, subculture, or protocol can perfectly and consistently cleave any abuse from what should only be hard love. Even two men using the same protocol can elicit wildly different responses from a woman. It always comes down to the relationship itself. At best, in a deliberate subculture like EM and the Sisterhood, we can more easily find chemistry and compatibility, and healthy, passionate enjoyment.

At best, the EM and Sisterhood can be a union greater than any two people. It can be a set of values for newcomers to explore and identify with. They can try on a role in D/s in a fresh way, free from the onerous or narrow definitions of other subcultures, books, or worlds. If the roles fit, then they can enjoy some of the same commitment and shared values of a Master-slave collar, but in a more communal way. Together, we can celebrate the beauty of submissive women, including the natural and glorious cycle of fertility and procreation, and the allure of round and soft feminine bodies.

At worst, the EM and Sisterhood are destructive to women. Soaring hopes can crash into bitter shards. You can throw a party and no one comes. You have a deep urge to serve a man's pleasure fully, and no man chooses you. Cynicism is always waiting for a new member, and even has active recruiters.

Still, women seek the Sisterhood. They display the courage to kneel, to serve, perhaps to break. They hope for men to take ownership of them and to care for them. As one Sister told me, they hope to be protected "so that we can focus only on you and not on our petty selves." They deeply yearn to be caught, to be for a time just female and sexual, and yet something more. Goddess-touched. With luck and the teasing play of light across her hair, a woman can take a man's breath away. She can be worthy of the best of him, or at least what remains after sunrise.

So I offer myself to the Elite Molesteri, and by extension, to the Sisterhood. I offer my passion, intelligence, creativity, sensuality, and virility. Furthermore, I offer my honor, as demonstrated in this essay, and in my conduct in Glint.

Why would a woman submit? I don't fully know. But I'm not done trying to learn.