Slavecraft: Surrender, Work of Slavery, Obedience

Here are more provocative quotes from Slavecraft.

Outsiders are not prepared to understand that the passion of surrender has the power to take hold of us by the throat and fire our imaginations to the white heat capable of fusing sexuality and surrender into such a lens--a tool powerful enough to comprehend anything worth knowing (p. 35)

There is a myth that D/s relationships are simpler or easier than vanilla relationships. Alas, no. On the other hand, D/s can be a powerful tool for perceiving and processing on relationship necessities and skills, like trust, communication, willingness, selflessness, chemistry, and compatibility.

Like all consensual slaves, i am a work in progress; always pressing on towards perfection with no thought of ever achieving it. Good Masters are a dynamic bunch and so, They grow, evolve and develop as people. When that happens, the definition of slave perfection shifts as They shift. For that reason, the notion of a "complete" or "finished" slave is temporary and illusory, and so must be viewed with suspicion. (p. 66)

The work of slavery, however, does not "show" for the most part because it happens in our minds, our hearts, our guts. Masters don't usually recognize that we are working at surrender because They don't really know what our "working" looks like. (p. 67)

I found this last idea worth remembering, as someone practice dominance. Both my slaves have recently had the pleasing assertiveness to remind me that there are aspects and experiences of being a submissive woman that are beyond my comprehension. I'm a smart, creative man, and I believe imagination is vast. But wherever we are on the spectrum of dominance and submission, there are some things beyond even imagining.

The slave in perfect obedience neither offers nor reserves anything. His only obligation, his concern, his evaluation criteria, his only question, his only satisfaction is from determining if he obeyed. (p. 81)

The grateful slave who wrote Slavecraft spends many words trying to distinguish a submissive from a slave. Principles like this quote about obedience are compelling reference points for making the distinction. Over time, I've become far less concerned with definitions and ontology, like "submissive" versus "slave". The women I respect and crave tend to be more complex than labels. On the other hand, it can be a valuable conversation to discuss what the labels mean to each partner, and what their desires and goals are.

It is only the slave's obedience that enables a Master to control and, therefore protect, a slave against the most damaging threat possible, the slave's thoughts. (p. 81-2)

I've heard many bottoms express this idea. Several women have emphasized the relief and freedom that comes with obedience. Vanilla sensuality and sex can be stressful, as they strive to be desirable and pleasing: to make the right choices. If they can give up some authority, responsibility, and attention to the "big picture", they can relax and indulge more. It's part of the beauty and splendor of D/s: the dom takes what he wants, the sub gives it, and both can leave some fears and anxieties behind.

Slavecraft: Being a grown up; Myth of training

I'm reading Slavecraft, written by "a grateful slave, with Guy Baldwin." This book came highly recommended by a submissive woman for whom I have great admiration and affection. The focus is deep 1L "erotic slavery", and the writer is a gay male slave. ("Erotic" is a nice adjective to add, to distinguish the glory of D/s slavery from the evils of nonconsensual slavery.) Of course, many of the ideas and arguments are useful in other kinds of relationships, in 1L and SL.

I'm not sure I agree with the slave on all things. But I find his perspective provocative. He describes the experience of being a slave in ways that help me better understand the challenges and joys. Here are some sections that stand out.

Sad to say, there are some who call themselves "Master" who are undeserving of the label. Some in need of an emotional hiding place will shield themselves behind the "Master" label. Lift the shield and one can often find those who shun real intimacy, self-disclosure, commitments of any sort, responsibility, honesty, their own vulnerability, self-knowledge, and yet, nevertheless, fear abandonment. (p. 15)

One in search of a Master (or a slave for that matter) is certain to encounter such people, and the challenge will be to discern the pretenders from the authentic. It is not enough for Masters to thrive on control; They must also crave responsibility and approach ownership with integrity, honor, honesty, common sense, and balance. There is no place in ownership for consuming rage, narcissism, viciousness, or other childish behavior. Ownership is for grown-ups. (p. 15)

The traditional slave-training myth asserts that: "Any self-proclaimed Master can teach a slave all he needs to know about surrender." (p. 39)

...one of the great ironies in all of this is that the training myth is often responsible for impeding both Masters and slaves in the refinement of their respective callings. Masters who feel insecure with Their abilities because of their ignorance about submission, or for other reasons, will often seek an inexperienced slave precisely because he won't know much. This allows the insecure Master to hide His ignorance from the slave and be superficially impressive. The irony is that such Masters could probably learn much more from experiences with already skilled slaves because then They could see how a well-developed slave functions, and thus learn the crafts of how to enjoy and develop a consensual slave. (p. 45-6)

SLove

...medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. -Dead Poets Society

Love is a tricky word in any fold of reality. In Second Life, "love" is a Wonderland cousin of the 1st Life meaning. We can be very, very artful with our masks, only allowing selective glimpses of our true merits and flaws. We can also be prevented from demonstrating our most loving and lovable qualities, by our (in)abilities to write and perceive promptly and accurately, to affix prims elegantly, to manage a sometimes-overwhelming flow of information and opportunities, to be online at the right times, and so on.

Even when we think we love, we may only love an illusion or a fragment.

Yet in SL we can also sometimes connect in new ways. We can bypass some static, doubts, hesitations, or prejudices. Sometimes the masks separate us, but sometimes they free us to be our true selves, and to connect in a deeply intimate way.

Some people eagerly seek love in SL. Some people don't believe in SL love. Some people have it but deny it, or deal with it ineptly. Some people had love but it died or was killed, and now they feel only pessimism or even cynicism.

I've had at least one relationship where I could have had love, but fled from it. And at least one where I wanted love, but my partner didn't. I'm not looking for it now, but I'm not as afraid of it. There are many kinds of love, and most of my love will only ever be for my beloved primary. The best magic of SL is the unexpected kind, so I leave open some possibilities.

Is SL love as real as 1st Life love? Probably not. But it's the "probably" that gets to us, because SL pain can certainly be as real. It can be worse than 1L. In 1L, we might know where our would-be love is, and we can employ any and all creative strategies to try to win or deepen their affections. We can stand outside with a boombox over our head (like in the movie Say Anything), or leave anonymous presents by her apartment door (like I did when courting my beloved primary). But in SL, we can love, and be hurt, and be wanting, and sometimes we can do nothing but wait. We watch each login message fiercely, hoping for the magic string of letters that causes our heart to race. It is a terrible wonderful thing: love.

...and just in case you're wondering, this post isn't relevant to anything or anyone in particular. Rather, it's inspired by a variety of experiences by my friends and me over time.

Some of My Mistakes

Master SuperMaster says, "A true Dom never makes a mistake."

Albert Einstein said, "A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."

I've made some colossal mistakes as a predator, a lover, a top, and a Master. More than anything, dominance is an attitude. I love teaching and I love learning. My Taoism tells me that's the same love, just inside out. That love is a vital part of my attitude as someone who practices dominance. These ingredients are powerful for learning: admitting ignorance, taking risks, and making mistakes.

Here are some of my mistakes, in hopes that they're instructive to others. Or at least amusing.

Trying Too Hard ... I have a group for my household. I got the clever idea to set my group title to "Master", so that I could walk around with "Master Kandr Newall" above my head. This lasted for a couple weeks before I came to my senses. Franklin Veaux says it best: "Being a master is like being enlightened. If you have to tell people that you are--you aren't."

You Don't Actually Want That ... A woman told me she wanted to be completely objectified, as nothing more or less than a total sextoy. She described in it her profile, we talked about it, she behaved like a sextoy, and she sent me many erotica stories about women being objectified. But the anachronistic gentleman in me kept silently insisting that she didn't truly want it. Thankfully, I eased into giving it to her. No surprise: the more I gave her what she wanted, the more passionate and eager she became.

Honey, Sugar, Gumdrop ... While I was in Gor, I purposefully developed some habits I thought made me more of a master. I started calling every slave "sweetling", regardless of relationship or context. I appended this to almost everything I said. I've seen others habitually use endearments like this, and I've seen (and privately heard) how subs actually react. Now I know that "sweetling" wasn't having the effect I wanted. At all.

Taboo ... Here's another habit I developed to "be more of a master": I never said "thank you." I would twist sentences around so that I would say something pleased me. It was contrived and arduous. It's like I believed that properly expressing gratitude would somehow puncture my master balloon, and all my dominance would leak out. Yeesh.

Shake-and-Bake Drama ... I was getting close to someone. I had some concerns about compatibility. In so many words, I said, "I really like you. But you need to change in these several major ways." This is a classic back-handed compliment. It's understandable to decide that a relationship isn't working out. But everyone has the right to be present in SL in a way that feels right to them. I was wrapping praise and attraction around what was really a criticism. At best, this is inconsiderate; at worst, it's passive aggressive. I have consoled friends when their partners dropped this drama bomb in a relationship. Apparently it's a mistake I has to make for myself at least once. I later apologized.

Missed the Message ... I had chatted and scened with a woman several times. We had hot chemistry and strong compatibility. We had talked about collars. We were RPing. She was standing with her back to a post, arms raised above her head, eyes full of promise. Much later, she asked me why I didn't collar her then, when she was deliberately adopting such a submissive posture. In my defense, I was relatively new to D/s. But my response was still utterly lame: "You were submitting?"

I don't know anything about Einstein in the bedroom. Smart is sexy, so if the master of space-time ever suited up as a Master, I'm sure he got some. With Einstein's advice, and for many other reasons, I'm not afraid of making mistakes. Learning can be painful, but coasting or playing it safe is unworthy of me and my partners, when I aspire to be dominant.

Jack Rinella: On Dark Play

I'm reading Rinella's The Master's Manual aloud every Thursday evening. I'll post some of the more provocative excerpts.

To repress and deny that we have dark sides to our personalities is to deny stark and very "real" reality. To be Pollyanna is foolishness, dangerous foolishness at that. Repressed, denied, hidden darkness only festers until it vents itself in some other way. Just as uncontrolled bliss, lightness, and goodness is unreasonable, un-experienced evil is an illusion. What we need is a balanced, healthy, and manageable dark event. Such experiences allow us to understand ourselves and our motivations, to give expression to those motives, and, so, reduce their power and their drive. (p. 46-47)

Sadists in the leather community then are those who inflict pleasure. It is pleasure of an intense degree, skillfully induced with necessary caution, measured speed, and careful recognition of the masochist's responses. (p. 48)

Experiencing one's limits, anguish, alternate ego, and suppressed desires is a learning and cleansing process. We face our fear, our selves, our lusts and our raw power. Our deeply hidden drives find expression. So we resolve our doubts and passions, giving vent to them and bringing them into a manageable, understandable light. (p. 83)

The Master's Manual on Amazon.com

About the Reading

Compatibility, Chemistry, & Loneliness

Master SuperMaster says, "A true dominant has no fears or weaknesses."

I want to talk about one of my fears: being lonely, in a SL filled with would-be partners.

It's easy to find sex in SL. But what I seek is hard to find. I seek a combination of intelligence, consideration, creativity, playfulness, sensuality, sexuality, submission, and safety. It's a rare combination. I know it's rare, because as I learn my own tastes better and better, I know my own disappointments more acutely.

The maddening wildcard is chemistry. With one partner, some seemingly-important bits may be missing, and I feel that disappointment all too keenly. Yet I'm still fiercely attracted to the person. At other times, it may seem like everything is just as I would want it, but there's no spark. Do I pursue a hot relationship, despite my hurts and frustrations? Do I spend time where compatibility is strong but my heart doesn't race, hoping that eventually a fire starts?

A relationship with ample passion but significant friction probably won't last. A relationship where at least one partner isn't feeling something deeper than sex probably shouldn't last.

I don't expect easy answers to such questions. Sometimes I just follow impulse and opportunity, and let the ineffable--even incomprehensible--dynamics play out. For example, regardless of compatibility or chemistry, if a partner and I never seem to have the right timing and availability, no amount of interpersonal communication or intrapersonal reflection is going to help. Of course, what drives us all nuts is wondering whether someone is avoiding us, or we're a low priority, or we're being strung along as a fallback opportunity. Or maybe they really are having a busy week, and I just need to breathe.

Deep, lasting relationships take work and compromise and mutual growth. Trust can really only be nurtured over time, through all the small and large choices and reactions, and by being present, day after day. Trust can be nurtured, perhaps most importantly, by sharing our fears and weaknesses. And then by honoring that sharing, with better choices, and by keeping our partners' secrets safe.

Being a dominant is partly about projecting an aura of confidence and strength. Being a good dominant is also about being honest with myself. I don't have many fears, but being lonely is one of them.