Profile Pieces: nikki Ronwood

Playing pretend in a metaverse like Second Life can teach me so many things. One of the recurring lessons is the importance of perspective. As Ben Stiller said, "There's a humor and a sadness when you see people who have a distorted image of themselves in the world. I think we all have this idea of how we want to be, and then there's how others actually see us, and the distance in between those two things is where reality exists." (Newsweek, 25 Apr 11)

Here's a sterling example, with some humor, from nikki Ronwood's Profile.

✔ Real ✖ Fake ✖ Drama


I'm a bitch because I don't let you push me around,

I'm a liar because I won't tell you everything,

I'm stupid because sometimes I'm wrong,

I'm a whore because I like boys,

I'm annoying because I'm not chill enough,

I'm a loser because I'm not friends with your group,

I use people because I do what's best for me,

I'm weird because I'm not like you,

I'm controlling because I get mad sometimes,

I'm clingy because I like to be around people,

I'm greedy because I like to be satisfied,

I'm naive because I'm younger than you ,

I'm conceited because I'm proud of who I am,

I'm rude because my manners aren't perfect,

I'm unappreciative because I don't praise you.

Don't try to tell me who I am because I already know.

Profile Pieces: Myrine Naidoo

A small piece of a profile can hint at much larger meanings. Sometimes I read the profiles of past partners, and ruefully suspect that some implied scars were cut by my hand. In my own profile, certain elements hold the traces of past misunderstandings and hurts. I could point to this paragraph or that limit, and tell you why I added it. If nothing else, our scars are a map of our learning. Learning: the consolation prize after burn up or burnout.

Myrine is a good friend of mine. I know some of what's behind this piece of her profile. But even without that knowledge, this piece speaks for itself. We're each free to define the filters between our 1st and 2nd lives according to our comfort, goals, and values. I've never had cause to express this particular sentiment, but I have had people just vanish on me for months, or suggest that I'm confusing a fiction for something more substantial. Here's how Myrine puts it:

While I love roleplay, I go to dedicated roleplay sims for that. Relationships with people here are NOT roleplay for me. If you are roleplaying in your relationships here, then please stay the fuck away from me outside of roleplay sims.

Some of My Mistakes

Master SuperMaster says, "A true Dom never makes a mistake."

Albert Einstein said, "A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."

I've made some colossal mistakes as a predator, a lover, a top, and a Master. More than anything, dominance is an attitude. I love teaching and I love learning. My Taoism tells me that's the same love, just inside out. That love is a vital part of my attitude as someone who practices dominance. These ingredients are powerful for learning: admitting ignorance, taking risks, and making mistakes.

Here are some of my mistakes, in hopes that they're instructive to others. Or at least amusing.

Trying Too Hard ... I have a group for my household. I got the clever idea to set my group title to "Master", so that I could walk around with "Master Kandr Newall" above my head. This lasted for a couple weeks before I came to my senses. Franklin Veaux says it best: "Being a master is like being enlightened. If you have to tell people that you are--you aren't."

You Don't Actually Want That ... A woman told me she wanted to be completely objectified, as nothing more or less than a total sextoy. She described in it her profile, we talked about it, she behaved like a sextoy, and she sent me many erotica stories about women being objectified. But the anachronistic gentleman in me kept silently insisting that she didn't truly want it. Thankfully, I eased into giving it to her. No surprise: the more I gave her what she wanted, the more passionate and eager she became.

Honey, Sugar, Gumdrop ... While I was in Gor, I purposefully developed some habits I thought made me more of a master. I started calling every slave "sweetling", regardless of relationship or context. I appended this to almost everything I said. I've seen others habitually use endearments like this, and I've seen (and privately heard) how subs actually react. Now I know that "sweetling" wasn't having the effect I wanted. At all.

Taboo ... Here's another habit I developed to "be more of a master": I never said "thank you." I would twist sentences around so that I would say something pleased me. It was contrived and arduous. It's like I believed that properly expressing gratitude would somehow puncture my master balloon, and all my dominance would leak out. Yeesh.

Shake-and-Bake Drama ... I was getting close to someone. I had some concerns about compatibility. In so many words, I said, "I really like you. But you need to change in these several major ways." This is a classic back-handed compliment. It's understandable to decide that a relationship isn't working out. But everyone has the right to be present in SL in a way that feels right to them. I was wrapping praise and attraction around what was really a criticism. At best, this is inconsiderate; at worst, it's passive aggressive. I have consoled friends when their partners dropped this drama bomb in a relationship. Apparently it's a mistake I has to make for myself at least once. I later apologized.

Missed the Message ... I had chatted and scened with a woman several times. We had hot chemistry and strong compatibility. We had talked about collars. We were RPing. She was standing with her back to a post, arms raised above her head, eyes full of promise. Much later, she asked me why I didn't collar her then, when she was deliberately adopting such a submissive posture. In my defense, I was relatively new to D/s. But my response was still utterly lame: "You were submitting?"

I don't know anything about Einstein in the bedroom. Smart is sexy, so if the master of space-time ever suited up as a Master, I'm sure he got some. With Einstein's advice, and for many other reasons, I'm not afraid of making mistakes. Learning can be painful, but coasting or playing it safe is unworthy of me and my partners, when I aspire to be dominant.

Being Real

I'm not ashamed that a good part of my life is online. It's *real* people... being more real and out there and sharing more commonalities and likes and hobbies than I find in the people I go to barbecues with once a year. And they don't *leave* when life takes them places - because online is always in the same place.

And I want to sit, for once, with a guy and have him look over at me, and not be so concerned about what they don't have in front of them - that they dismiss what they do have in front of them. Because I'm a pretty amazing experience in myself.

-Beloved Primary

The Courage to Break

This is an OOC post. I wrote this essay for Task 7 on the Elite Molesteri RP certification track in Dark Den. Since I've abandoned that track, this essay won't see broad IC circulation (i.e., it won't appear in the Dark Den blog, as planned). However, some copies are out there IC, so it's possible for you to read it IC.

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The Courage to Break

What would cause a woman to place her long-term wellness in the hands of a man? More specifically, why would a woman join the Sisterhood of Eternal Love, and how should I honor a woman who earns the privilege?

Sex can be immensely pleasurable. Sex mixed with D/s can be deeply glorious, at least for those of us who enjoy power exchange. But deep submission is a long step farther: a commitment to be fully open and available, always ready to serve a man's whims and desires. That's a powerful choice. It's the choice a woman must make to join the Sisterhood.

Men leave. That's the gray truth, relayed to me by nearly every fertile woman I've met in Dark Den. Many Dominants and other seducers come to Dark Den, and the evidence of their virility is boldly writ on the swell of tummies. But there are few fathers here.

Perhaps it's enough for a woman, if she has only the memories of such focused attention and primal sex, in which a man gave his best to her. I say "best", because if the man's passions were only for her pussy, then the best of him is whatever she keeps after he roams onward. Does she hope to recognize something in her baby? His eyes? His hair? Or perhaps she wants to untangle the fading echoes of that passion and keep them separate, like in a scrapbook. Perhaps she wants to just immerse herself in the knowledge that a great joy is coming.

Can a feminist be a submissive? I cheerfully reject that hierarchies of power naturally follow gender. I have met strong women and weak men. I'm not easily dominated, but it's a continuum, and I'm not on the end. I believe my dominance is a mix of attitude, perspective, ability, and skill. My dominance is closely tied to my masculinity. But I don't see manhood as necessary or sufficient for dominance.

I realize that from my place of male privilege, my perspective on feminism is suspect. But please indulge me. Feminism is partly about freeing a woman to make her own choices, as a reaction to forces that narrow or remove a woman's choices through targeted or ubiquitous means (e.g., blatant, unquestionable patriarchal authority; subtle, misogynist cultural norms). A society can frame choices or make them inconsequential, by how it handles issues like reproductive freedom. But suppose a woman chooses to have her choices taken away? Does harm automatically follow?

I'll be specific. Can the D/s practiced by the Elite Molesteri and the Sisterhood of Eternal Love be repressive? Absolutely. It can also be liberating. No group, subculture, or protocol can perfectly and consistently cleave any abuse from what should only be hard love. Even two men using the same protocol can elicit wildly different responses from a woman. It always comes down to the relationship itself. At best, in a deliberate subculture like EM and the Sisterhood, we can more easily find chemistry and compatibility, and healthy, passionate enjoyment.

At best, the EM and Sisterhood can be a union greater than any two people. It can be a set of values for newcomers to explore and identify with. They can try on a role in D/s in a fresh way, free from the onerous or narrow definitions of other subcultures, books, or worlds. If the roles fit, then they can enjoy some of the same commitment and shared values of a Master-slave collar, but in a more communal way. Together, we can celebrate the beauty of submissive women, including the natural and glorious cycle of fertility and procreation, and the allure of round and soft feminine bodies.

At worst, the EM and Sisterhood are destructive to women. Soaring hopes can crash into bitter shards. You can throw a party and no one comes. You have a deep urge to serve a man's pleasure fully, and no man chooses you. Cynicism is always waiting for a new member, and even has active recruiters.

Still, women seek the Sisterhood. They display the courage to kneel, to serve, perhaps to break. They hope for men to take ownership of them and to care for them. As one Sister told me, they hope to be protected "so that we can focus only on you and not on our petty selves." They deeply yearn to be caught, to be for a time just female and sexual, and yet something more. Goddess-touched. With luck and the teasing play of light across her hair, a woman can take a man's breath away. She can be worthy of the best of him, or at least what remains after sunrise.

So I offer myself to the Elite Molesteri, and by extension, to the Sisterhood. I offer my passion, intelligence, creativity, sensuality, and virility. Furthermore, I offer my honor, as demonstrated in this essay, and in my conduct in Glint.

Why would a woman submit? I don't fully know. But I'm not done trying to learn.

Sculpting, Bonsai, & Perspective Taking

Master SuperMaster says, "A true Dom doesn't care what a sub wants. A true Dom knows what kind of sub he wants, and does whatever is necessary to make the sub that kind of sub."

I read a beautiful essay by a sub, about the difference between sculpting marble and shaping a bonsai tree. A block of marble has distinct properties, in its composition and striations. While a sculptor must respect these properties, he can more or less directly create whatever he envisions. A tree is far more unique, especially because it's dynamic. It responds to water, light, pruning, and wire. So a tree can be shaped purposefully, but only indirectly, and there are limits.

Bonsai is the art of learning the tree-that-is and the tree-that-can-be. Dominance should be the art of learning the sub-that-is and the sub-that-can-be. There is nothing wrong with a Dom preferring a certain kind of sub. If so, he should be expressive about his preference, and thoughtful about the subs he chooses. He shouldn’t try to make a different kind of sub feel inferior, over what may just be a matter of taste. If a bonsai tree is not a flowering species, no amount of bondage or shouting will make it blossom.

Communication is essential to a successful D/s relationship. Communication is more effective if the Dom knows some of the right questions to ask and topics to discuss. How can the Dom do this? Perspective taking.

Empathy is a natural animal ability. We can vicariously experience the elation, distress, or pain of someone in our pack. We can sharpen our empathy, by attending to our vicarious experiences, and checking our perceptions through communication.

Perspective taking is a deliberate mental skill. We can try to imagine what someone is thinking and feeling. A Dom can mentally simulate a sub’s state of being. Many subs use perspective taking, either intuitively or through self-directed effort. They try to anticipate their Doms’ wants and needs, and are better subs for it. Some Doms seem mystified about a sub’s state of being, or simply don’t care. They seem to only focus on what the sub says or does.

I practice perspective taking a variety of ways. For example, I try to think like a sub would think, if she were playing a Dom. Thus, after a particularly good intimate experience, I might send an affectionate notecard or long IM the next day, just as I might send flowers to my lover in my 1st life.

Perspective taking is part of being a good Dom. It overlaps the same way that teaching is part of being a good Dom. I’m a teacher in my 1st life. In education, we say that the beginning teacher asks, "How am I doing?" The advanced teacher asks, "How are my students doing?" The advanced Dom asks, “How is my sub doing?”

Perspective taking is also part of good etiquette. In Dark Den, many of us have been discussing the value of “respect.” For example, when you meet someone new, do you respect them until they lose your respect, or do you start with no respect, and expect them to earn it? How you answer says something about whether and how you imagine the experience of being a newcomer, and how you want a newcomer to feel.