Master SuperMaster says, "A true dominant has no fears or weaknesses."
I want to talk about one of my fears: being lonely, in a SL filled with would-be partners.
It's easy to find sex in SL. But what I seek is hard to find. I seek a combination of intelligence, consideration, creativity, playfulness, sensuality, sexuality, submission, and safety. It's a rare combination. I know it's rare, because as I learn my own tastes better and better, I know my own disappointments more acutely.
The maddening wildcard is chemistry. With one partner, some seemingly-important bits may be missing, and I feel that disappointment all too keenly. Yet I'm still fiercely attracted to the person. At other times, it may seem like everything is just as I would want it, but there's no spark. Do I pursue a hot relationship, despite my hurts and frustrations? Do I spend time where compatibility is strong but my heart doesn't race, hoping that eventually a fire starts?
A relationship with ample passion but significant friction probably won't last. A relationship where at least one partner isn't feeling something deeper than sex probably shouldn't last.
I don't expect easy answers to such questions. Sometimes I just follow impulse and opportunity, and let the ineffable--even incomprehensible--dynamics play out. For example, regardless of compatibility or chemistry, if a partner and I never seem to have the right timing and availability, no amount of interpersonal communication or intrapersonal reflection is going to help. Of course, what drives us all nuts is wondering whether someone is avoiding us, or we're a low priority, or we're being strung along as a fallback opportunity. Or maybe they really are having a busy week, and I just need to breathe.
Deep, lasting relationships take work and compromise and mutual growth. Trust can really only be nurtured over time, through all the small and large choices and reactions, and by being present, day after day. Trust can be nurtured, perhaps most importantly, by sharing our fears and weaknesses. And then by honoring that sharing, with better choices, and by keeping our partners' secrets safe.
Being a dominant is partly about projecting an aura of confidence and strength. Being a good dominant is also about being honest with myself. I don't have many fears, but being lonely is one of them.
Showing posts with label empathy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label empathy. Show all posts
Monday, June 21, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Being Real
I'm not ashamed that a good part of my life is online. It's *real* people... being more real and out there and sharing more commonalities and likes and hobbies than I find in the people I go to barbecues with once a year. And they don't *leave* when life takes them places - because online is always in the same place.
And I want to sit, for once, with a guy and have him look over at me, and not be so concerned about what they don't have in front of them - that they dismiss what they do have in front of them. Because I'm a pretty amazing experience in myself.
-Beloved Primary
Friday, May 28, 2010
Sculpting, Bonsai, & Perspective Taking
Master SuperMaster says, "A true Dom doesn't care what a sub wants. A true Dom knows what kind of sub he wants, and does whatever is necessary to make the sub that kind of sub."
I read a beautiful essay by a sub, about the difference between sculpting marble and shaping a bonsai tree. A block of marble has distinct properties, in its composition and striations. While a sculptor must respect these properties, he can more or less directly create whatever he envisions. A tree is far more unique, especially because it's dynamic. It responds to water, light, pruning, and wire. So a tree can be shaped purposefully, but only indirectly, and there are limits.
Bonsai is the art of learning the tree-that-is and the tree-that-can-be. Dominance should be the art of learning the sub-that-is and the sub-that-can-be. There is nothing wrong with a Dom preferring a certain kind of sub. If so, he should be expressive about his preference, and thoughtful about the subs he chooses. He shouldn’t try to make a different kind of sub feel inferior, over what may just be a matter of taste. If a bonsai tree is not a flowering species, no amount of bondage or shouting will make it blossom.
Communication is essential to a successful D/s relationship. Communication is more effective if the Dom knows some of the right questions to ask and topics to discuss. How can the Dom do this? Perspective taking.
Empathy is a natural animal ability. We can vicariously experience the elation, distress, or pain of someone in our pack. We can sharpen our empathy, by attending to our vicarious experiences, and checking our perceptions through communication.
Perspective taking is a deliberate mental skill. We can try to imagine what someone is thinking and feeling. A Dom can mentally simulate a sub’s state of being. Many subs use perspective taking, either intuitively or through self-directed effort. They try to anticipate their Doms’ wants and needs, and are better subs for it. Some Doms seem mystified about a sub’s state of being, or simply don’t care. They seem to only focus on what the sub says or does.
I practice perspective taking a variety of ways. For example, I try to think like a sub would think, if she were playing a Dom. Thus, after a particularly good intimate experience, I might send an affectionate notecard or long IM the next day, just as I might send flowers to my lover in my 1st life.
Perspective taking is part of being a good Dom. It overlaps the same way that teaching is part of being a good Dom. I’m a teacher in my 1st life. In education, we say that the beginning teacher asks, "How am I doing?" The advanced teacher asks, "How are my students doing?" The advanced Dom asks, “How is my sub doing?”
Perspective taking is also part of good etiquette. In Dark Den, many of us have been discussing the value of “respect.” For example, when you meet someone new, do you respect them until they lose your respect, or do you start with no respect, and expect them to earn it? How you answer says something about whether and how you imagine the experience of being a newcomer, and how you want a newcomer to feel.
I read a beautiful essay by a sub, about the difference between sculpting marble and shaping a bonsai tree. A block of marble has distinct properties, in its composition and striations. While a sculptor must respect these properties, he can more or less directly create whatever he envisions. A tree is far more unique, especially because it's dynamic. It responds to water, light, pruning, and wire. So a tree can be shaped purposefully, but only indirectly, and there are limits.
Bonsai is the art of learning the tree-that-is and the tree-that-can-be. Dominance should be the art of learning the sub-that-is and the sub-that-can-be. There is nothing wrong with a Dom preferring a certain kind of sub. If so, he should be expressive about his preference, and thoughtful about the subs he chooses. He shouldn’t try to make a different kind of sub feel inferior, over what may just be a matter of taste. If a bonsai tree is not a flowering species, no amount of bondage or shouting will make it blossom.
Communication is essential to a successful D/s relationship. Communication is more effective if the Dom knows some of the right questions to ask and topics to discuss. How can the Dom do this? Perspective taking.
Empathy is a natural animal ability. We can vicariously experience the elation, distress, or pain of someone in our pack. We can sharpen our empathy, by attending to our vicarious experiences, and checking our perceptions through communication.
Perspective taking is a deliberate mental skill. We can try to imagine what someone is thinking and feeling. A Dom can mentally simulate a sub’s state of being. Many subs use perspective taking, either intuitively or through self-directed effort. They try to anticipate their Doms’ wants and needs, and are better subs for it. Some Doms seem mystified about a sub’s state of being, or simply don’t care. They seem to only focus on what the sub says or does.
I practice perspective taking a variety of ways. For example, I try to think like a sub would think, if she were playing a Dom. Thus, after a particularly good intimate experience, I might send an affectionate notecard or long IM the next day, just as I might send flowers to my lover in my 1st life.
Perspective taking is part of being a good Dom. It overlaps the same way that teaching is part of being a good Dom. I’m a teacher in my 1st life. In education, we say that the beginning teacher asks, "How am I doing?" The advanced teacher asks, "How are my students doing?" The advanced Dom asks, “How is my sub doing?”
Perspective taking is also part of good etiquette. In Dark Den, many of us have been discussing the value of “respect.” For example, when you meet someone new, do you respect them until they lose your respect, or do you start with no respect, and expect them to earn it? How you answer says something about whether and how you imagine the experience of being a newcomer, and how you want a newcomer to feel.
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