Monday, June 21, 2010

Compatibility, Chemistry, & Loneliness

Master SuperMaster says, "A true dominant has no fears or weaknesses."

I want to talk about one of my fears: being lonely, in a SL filled with would-be partners.

It's easy to find sex in SL. But what I seek is hard to find. I seek a combination of intelligence, consideration, creativity, playfulness, sensuality, sexuality, submission, and safety. It's a rare combination. I know it's rare, because as I learn my own tastes better and better, I know my own disappointments more acutely.

The maddening wildcard is chemistry. With one partner, some seemingly-important bits may be missing, and I feel that disappointment all too keenly. Yet I'm still fiercely attracted to the person. At other times, it may seem like everything is just as I would want it, but there's no spark. Do I pursue a hot relationship, despite my hurts and frustrations? Do I spend time where compatibility is strong but my heart doesn't race, hoping that eventually a fire starts?

A relationship with ample passion but significant friction probably won't last. A relationship where at least one partner isn't feeling something deeper than sex probably shouldn't last.

I don't expect easy answers to such questions. Sometimes I just follow impulse and opportunity, and let the ineffable--even incomprehensible--dynamics play out. For example, regardless of compatibility or chemistry, if a partner and I never seem to have the right timing and availability, no amount of interpersonal communication or intrapersonal reflection is going to help. Of course, what drives us all nuts is wondering whether someone is avoiding us, or we're a low priority, or we're being strung along as a fallback opportunity. Or maybe they really are having a busy week, and I just need to breathe.

Deep, lasting relationships take work and compromise and mutual growth. Trust can really only be nurtured over time, through all the small and large choices and reactions, and by being present, day after day. Trust can be nurtured, perhaps most importantly, by sharing our fears and weaknesses. And then by honoring that sharing, with better choices, and by keeping our partners' secrets safe.

Being a dominant is partly about projecting an aura of confidence and strength. Being a good dominant is also about being honest with myself. I don't have many fears, but being lonely is one of them.


  1. I'll run away by myself to be alone ... because being alone is far, far more preferable to being lonely.

    Long ago, I knew a person in pre-WWW chat days who called himself "Gadwall." I don't know much about ducks, but he very evidently was either a biologist of some sort or a very avid hunter or bird watcher. Anyway, a gadwall is a kind of duck that is fairly well distributed around North America but isn't particularly common, either. He said it was generally found on the edges of flocks of other ducks, close to them but never really a part of them. I've often looked at pictures of this duck on the internet since then and I'd have to say that I wouldn't be able to pick it out in a flock of mallard hens -- it's just sort of nondescript.

    I knew "Gadwall" almost 20 years ago but his description of this duck has stuck with me because it's such a description of me, too.

  2. This fear I understand completely. I have this fear, but compounded. I fear that my loneliness is self made. That I have built walls that were at first defensive, allowing me to heal from a great hurt, but are now my own prison. I am isolated and I don't know now how to either scale the walls I built or knock them down.
    I think at some point we all feel loneliness in SL, in RL, within ourselves. Its a powerful scary feeling. But shouldn't the fact that it is something that most of us will feel at some point make it a comfort? Shouldn't we allow it to help us bond with one another? That sounds easy, writing it out makes sense. I wish I knew how to accomplish it.