Being a master is like being enlightened. If you have to tell people that you are--you aren't.
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Note: These pages are copyright by Franklin Veaux. You may reproduce the contents of these pages, provided you do so intact and unedited.
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.:CAUTION:.
This is a rant. It's based on my own personal experiences in the BDSM community. Some people may not like the characterizations in here. You've been warned.
I've been involved in both BDSM and polyamory since long before I had words to describe eaither (and, for that matter, since before the word "polyamory" even existed). I've been part of the organized poly community for quite a number of years, but generally speaking, I've tended to avoid the organized BDSM community.
Lately, I've been spending a lot more time in the BDSM community, and I'm beginning to remember why it is I've avoided it.
A friend of mine who lives, like I do, in both worlds once described a poly meeting as "Kind of like a BDSM munch, but the people are nicer." And there's a bit of truth to it.
This is not a diatribe against everyone in the BDSM community. I've met some very cool, very intelligent people in the scene, and many of these people I count among my friends.
But there are also quite a number of people I've encountered who are about as much fun as a toothache. To wit:
The "7th Level Antler-Headed Yak Boy (fourth house, nineteenth tax district)" types.
These are the guys (and they're almost always men) who form elaborate societies with intricate rules and protocols, and give themselves incredibly flowery titles (which they insist on using to refer to themselves, and may insist that others use as well) to boot.
There's nothing wrong with any of that. The problem comes from the idea that once you've mastered someone's list of rules, probably yanked from some old pulp science-fiction novel, that you've mastered all the intricities of domination and submission, and you're now fit to rule the world or some damn thing. You haven't; you've just memorized someone else's rules. D/s is arguably one of the most complex forms of all human relationships, and it's different for everyone--something that works for one person doesn't apply to another. Mastering one set of protocols no more makes you an expert than mastering macaroni and cheese makes you a five-star chef.
The pathologically insecure.
These people often refer to themselves exclusively as "Master (or Mistress) Thus-and Such," and are more than happy to describe you exactly, in great deal, how and why they've mastered the fine art of BDSM, and why you should be grateful to sit at their feet and pick up such crumbs of arcane knowledge they see fit to provide.
Disagree with them, even about something minor, and the entire elaborate facade built to protect their insecurities comes crashing down. You have not seen histronics until you've suggested to such a person that perhaps there's some element of D/s he hasn't considered.
Hint: Being a master is like being enlightened. If you have to tell people that you are--you aren't.
The Domly Doms.
These guys--and again, they're almost always guys--self-identify as alpha males; they strut, they preen, they impress one another with the size of their stables of submissives. Their submissives never stick around for long; the stables rotate, because at the end of the day, interspecies dating never works. It's just too damn hard for a human submissive to maintain a romance with a peacock.
The completely unsocialized.
These are the ones who can make a convention of stereotypical computer nerds point and say "Damn, those people have poor social skills!" (And yes, I know that the stereotypes of computer nerds are quite often wrong.)
Many of these guys lead one to suspect that they're part of the community because no other community'll have them.
Hint: I understand foot fetishes as much as the next guy, but do not walk up to me and, without introduction, ask me to take off my shoes. Especially if you don't know my sexual orientation and you're a guy. What's that, you say? There's nothing sexual about feet? Well, guess what--anything that arouses you or gets you off is an intimate act, even if, in a different context, it might be completely benign.
The One True Wayers.
These are usually the people in "TPE" (total power exchange) relationships--people who live acting out a full-time master/slave relationship, who sneer at the "players"--namely, those who don't live their entire lives in their roles--and especially those who (oh, dear God) switch roles.
Hint: If you predicate the whole of your romantic relationship, and indeed the whole of your life, along a single axis, don't think even for half a second that you have a deeper understanding of D/s than those whose experience is broader and whose palettes are wider. You want to live in a master/slave relationship? Hey, that's cool, whatever turns you on. You want to think that gives you a better understanding of the right way to do it? Go sit in the back of the bus with the Baptists, the fundamentalist Muslims, and all the other yahoos who think there's only one right way to live.
The Wannabe Doms.
You can find these people all over the Internet--and, for a change, they're not mostly men. These people appear to be equal-opportunity offenders, and I've encountered about as many women as men who fall into this role.
These are the ones who believe that because they consider themselves dominant, the rest of the world should too. Many of them are often poorly socialized as well, which is quite a double-whammy.
You can spot 'em right away. They're the ones who, upon learning that someone is a submissive, immediately demand that that person be submissive to them. They're the ones who open a conversation with a submissive they've only just met with "You will call me Master and you will learn to worship me." They seem to see submissives as commodities, not as people, and begin every encounter with the idea that every submissive in the world will submit to them because, hey, they're Doms, right?
Hint: Respect is earned, not automatic. If you want a submissive to respect you, first prove that you deserve it. The people you see in the community, the people you see at play parties, who command widespread respect? They earned it. And by the way, just because someone is a submissive, that does not automatically mean he or she should submit to you. If you don't even know this person's name and have not yet established any kind of relationship whatsoever with this person, assuming you deserve this person's submission is a bit premature, wanker. Submissives exist for more than your own fantasy fulfillment!
The Desperate Subbies.
These are the flip side of the wannabe doms--the people who're so desperate to find a dominant that they'll stick anyone into that slot. Upon learning that someone is a dom, the Desperate Subbiess immediately assume that this person will automatically want to dominate them, and will run up to anyone they see who even remotely looks the least little bit dominant with "Oh, Master, I'm desperate to serve you!"
In some extreme cases, these people cross the line from annoying to outright self-destructive, as they'll sometimes abandon even basic concerns for safety and self-preservation in their attempts to find someone, anyone, to dominate them. Fortunately, Desperate Subbies are rare, and can be spotted from a mile away. Unfortunately, Desperate Subbies occasionally become statistics.
Hint: The relationship between a dominant and a submissive is a partnership. Even when it's a transient partnership, like at a play party, it's still a partnership. Don't go pledging your submission to someone until after you've determined that he or she is interested in you, and for God's sake, don't go pledging your submission to someone you don't even know, or to everyone you meet who seems the least bit interested in you. Dominants are people, not fantasy fulfillment objects...and every now and then, a person who calls himself a dominant isn't actually a dominant at all, but a predator who sees you as the prey, you know? Getting to know someone before you submit to him or her is a very good strategy to avoid becoming a statistic.
Note: These pages are copyright by Franklin Veaux. You may reproduce the contents of these pages, provided you do so intact and unedited.
I am constently amazed at how many of these such ppl I meet in the SL BDSM community. But I have also met just as many who are true Doms and Subs.
ReplyDeleteI have to thank you for posting this Sir. I am worn thin with so many in the BDSM community in SL. If I get told one more time that I am not a real sub because I won't give someone an honorific title upon first meet, I think my head will explode. I was taught, and have learned through experience and education in the world outside of BDSM that respect is something you earn. I don't think that stops at the gates to the BDSM community. There -are- some I will address as Sir, who are not my Master, but only after I have had some experience in getting to know them, after I have had time to make some assessment as to their Dominant nature, (and this is the important part) In Relation To Me. I am a strong minded, independent person who practices submission with those I choose. To say I am not a true sub because I don't follow your specific protocol or don't wear the right color silks or don't grovel at the feet of every person sporting a Master's tag is just well a load of poo. (is it just me or do those Master/Mistress tags remind you of the way your mom used to sew your name into your underwear before you went to camp? So everyone would know your knickers are YOUR knickers) They also remind me of the teenage boys who wear shirts that say rebel! or Anarchist! Or Player! The more they wear those shirts or tags, the louder they shout about what they are, the more I want to give them milk and cookies and shoo them out to play, because obviously they haven't grown up enough to know that if you have to give yourself a nickname, everyone else is laughing at you, not with you. If you have to bandy about telling me what you are, all you are telling me is what you aren't. People need to learn that actions and wise words speak far louder than tags and what you are wearing.
ReplyDelete/end rant by an eye rolling frustrated girl trying to practice submission among too many man less dominant than her.
I tend to think you are either dominant or you are not. Some things can be learned from experience and in books but some people simply are not dominant and cannot be successful at it.
ReplyDeleteI also believe there are those who tend to be submissive however, they also have a dominant side to them that may interfere with their ability to be submissive to many dominants.
I tend to avoid avatars with a name that begins with "Master" or "Mistress". These folks are trying to convince themselves something. You really cannot tell all that much by a name or a title.
I once knew of a man named Sergeant, but he was actually a lieutenant in the Navy which makes him a captain anywhere else, so names and titles can be deceiving.
Best to go with what they are rather than what they are called.