Profile Pieces: Myrine Naidoo

A small piece of a profile can hint at much larger meanings. Sometimes I read the profiles of past partners, and ruefully suspect that some implied scars were cut by my hand. In my own profile, certain elements hold the traces of past misunderstandings and hurts. I could point to this paragraph or that limit, and tell you why I added it. If nothing else, our scars are a map of our learning. Learning: the consolation prize after burn up or burnout.

Myrine is a good friend of mine. I know some of what's behind this piece of her profile. But even without that knowledge, this piece speaks for itself. We're each free to define the filters between our 1st and 2nd lives according to our comfort, goals, and values. I've never had cause to express this particular sentiment, but I have had people just vanish on me for months, or suggest that I'm confusing a fiction for something more substantial. Here's how Myrine puts it:

While I love roleplay, I go to dedicated roleplay sims for that. Relationships with people here are NOT roleplay for me. If you are roleplaying in your relationships here, then please stay the fuck away from me outside of roleplay sims.

Sensuality Azure: 20 Questions for Tops & Bottoms

I've spoken of compatibility, in prior posts and in SL. Here is more of what I mean, as a notecard from my Sensuality Azure training materials. A conversation around these questions isn't as exciting as sex. But a conversation is worthwhile for the long-term success of the relationship. Also, in my experience, the kind of person with whom I want to have a long-term relationship values the conversation.

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20 Questions for Tops & Bottoms
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These questions are in no particular order. But if you think one is more important than another, that itself is important. There are undoubtedly other questions worth discussing, but 20 is such a nice, round number.

There aren't right or wrong answers. But without clear and compatible expectations, any relationship is higher risk.

1. What do you look for in a partner? What's most important? What's not important?

2. Have you played with power exchange before? Collared? Been collared? If yes, how did that work out?

3. When do you play? How often? How long? How regularly?

4. When you play, how much can you focus? Will there be interruptions? Will you suddenly need to leave? Can we schedule times where you can focus completely on us?

5. When you log in and I'm already doing something, do I stop to be with you?

6. How far does the dominance extend? For example, permission to log off? Punishment for not logging on when expected?

7. What are your standards for writing? Pose length? Spelling etc.?

8. How important is staying in-character? Do you like to chat OOC during RP? During sex? Does chatting ruin the mood?

9. How do you feel about voice chat? Out-of-character? During RP? During sex?

10. How important are props, scripts, animations, etc. during RP? During sex? (e.g., Xcite!)

11. Will we stay in a specific sim? A specific setting (e.g., Gor, vampire)? If we travel, how will the our relationship work? (e.g., Am I going to be kneeling in only silks in an Earth art gallery?)

12. Who will pay for things? (e.g., house, clothes, furniture)

13. Will there be other bottoms? Do you expect group sex? Bisexual sex? Homosexual sex?

14. Can I have sex with other people? Can you? Only OOC? If ICly, with any consequences?

15. What are some of your kinks? For example, do you like dirty talk? Force? Do you want to experiment?

16. Are there other relationships we need to discuss? Loyalties to a sim? To other players/friends/lovers? Other possible sources of out-of-character drama?

17. If the bottom is owned, will the Top ever sell the bottom?

18. If this doesn't work, how will it end? If we're in the same sim, will one of us have to leave?

19. How fast do you want to go?

20. Are you looking for a RL romantic relationship? A RL power exchange relationship?

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Sharing These Materials
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This notecard is part of a collection called "Sensuality Azure by Kandr Newall". This collection is licensed as Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike (http://creativecommons.org/). Please don't sell this notecard. Please distribute and modify this notecard freely. Please credit Kandr Newall as the original author.

Movie: TiMER

I enthusiastically recommend the movie TiMER (IMDB page). It's a smart, funny cross of speculative science fiction and romantic comedy. The lead is deftly handled by Emma Caulfield (who I adored as Anya in Buffy: The Vampire Slayer). The premise is provocative: what would life be like if you knew in advance when you would meet your true love (what the characters call your "one")? I won't spoil the clever weaving of subplots, but like the inestimable Strange Days, the various possibilities are explored in graceful balance with strong narrative.

Why does TiMER matter on this blog? In SL, we never know when the next chance meeting could be a real connection. With one of my current partners, our first interaction was some heated IMs when I felt she was godmodding me. If I hadn't pulled my head out of my ass and tried to understand her perspective, we wouldn't enjoy the relationship we now have. My first conversations with Vivid Skizm left me with the impression that she wasn't very interested, and now she's my slave. A friend of mine is a sub in 1L, and she speaks of making good choices and taking good care of herself for Him. She hasn't met Him yet: the Master she deserves (and she deserves an amazing Master). We don't have the technological miracle that TiMER's characters have, but we should be thoughtful about what we're doing to meet the people who will redefine passion with us, and what we're doing with ourselves while we wait.

Kudos to my beloved primary for choosing TiMER. We watched via Netflix On Demand.

FYI, Strange Days is brilliant but hella dark (IMDB page). I'd list Strange Days as "much watch" for anyone who muses on what playing "imaginary games" like SL does to us. If you liked Avatar, especially how Jake got hooked on his SL, you'll like James Cameron's earlier thought experiment with jacking in. Also, Angela Bassett's character Mace could totally dom me.

Compatibility, Chemistry, & Loneliness

Master SuperMaster says, "A true dominant has no fears or weaknesses."

I want to talk about one of my fears: being lonely, in a SL filled with would-be partners.

It's easy to find sex in SL. But what I seek is hard to find. I seek a combination of intelligence, consideration, creativity, playfulness, sensuality, sexuality, submission, and safety. It's a rare combination. I know it's rare, because as I learn my own tastes better and better, I know my own disappointments more acutely.

The maddening wildcard is chemistry. With one partner, some seemingly-important bits may be missing, and I feel that disappointment all too keenly. Yet I'm still fiercely attracted to the person. At other times, it may seem like everything is just as I would want it, but there's no spark. Do I pursue a hot relationship, despite my hurts and frustrations? Do I spend time where compatibility is strong but my heart doesn't race, hoping that eventually a fire starts?

A relationship with ample passion but significant friction probably won't last. A relationship where at least one partner isn't feeling something deeper than sex probably shouldn't last.

I don't expect easy answers to such questions. Sometimes I just follow impulse and opportunity, and let the ineffable--even incomprehensible--dynamics play out. For example, regardless of compatibility or chemistry, if a partner and I never seem to have the right timing and availability, no amount of interpersonal communication or intrapersonal reflection is going to help. Of course, what drives us all nuts is wondering whether someone is avoiding us, or we're a low priority, or we're being strung along as a fallback opportunity. Or maybe they really are having a busy week, and I just need to breathe.

Deep, lasting relationships take work and compromise and mutual growth. Trust can really only be nurtured over time, through all the small and large choices and reactions, and by being present, day after day. Trust can be nurtured, perhaps most importantly, by sharing our fears and weaknesses. And then by honoring that sharing, with better choices, and by keeping our partners' secrets safe.

Being a dominant is partly about projecting an aura of confidence and strength. Being a good dominant is also about being honest with myself. I don't have many fears, but being lonely is one of them.