If we want to be better role-players, we can find inspiration and guidance from many sources. I've found some guidance from improvisational comedy, or improv. Ideas, exercises, and practices of improv have crossed over into many fields, from business courses (where entrepreneurs need to "think outside the box") to video game companies (where designers need to understand flow and reactivity). I bring them into RP and D/s. Here is another notecard from my Sensuality Azure training materials.
===================================
4.1 Accepting Offers
===================================
The best role-play flows smoothly. Words and poses echo and intertwine. It's like a good French kiss. Unfortunately, flow is difficult to achieve. There are many obstacles. Yet some of these obstacles can be removed, when the players practice a habit from improvisational theater ("improv").
Role-play is a process of co-creation. Books or plays are written by a single, all-controlling author. The author is allowed to smear his ego over everything, and the reader or audience only consents to be present.
In contrast, role-play emerges from multiple authors sharing the same page. This can be a delightfully intimate experience, like having sex in a narrow bed. (Remember your dorm room?) But it can also be crowded, like trying to sleep together afterwards: all elbows and knees.
Improvisational theater is a relative of role-play. The players consent to a simple sketch, perhaps a location or a brief back-story, and then together they play a scene (tell a story). They follow a basic rule, which is sometimes called Always Accept Offers. Everyone agrees to accept any new idea someone adds to the scene, rather than ignore it, reject it, or argue about it.
Always Accept Offers is kind of like prostitution, only instead of whoring yourself, you're contributing to the flow. (If the scene involves whoring, then the metaphor is doubly apt.) It's a matter of etiquette: respecting your partners' creativity. It also improves the scene. It's hard to achieve dramatic momentum--flow--if someone keeps swerving or hitting the brakes.
The rule is sometimes labeled "Yes, and..." since that's the attitude each player should have. I particularly like this label, since it suggests how to role-play: agree with the choice your partner makes, and build on it. It's also a good attitude for playing a submissive or having sex. A submissive should obey a command, and strive to do more than was ordered, like adding extra sensuality to the action. And in bed, when your partner initiates a position, it helps the flow if you say, "Yes, and I could grip your [body part] while you do that." (Or lick, suck, pinch, etc.) The point is to honor the choice by embracing and expanding it. Expanding is good, right?
There are many ways to reject offers. Two of the most common are obsessing on details, and obsessing on the “rules” of a setting. Details are essential to making a scene vivid, and a rich setting can help define roles. For example, Gor is a rich setting with lots of “rules.” Suppose your slave kneels before you and tells you that a strange Master flirted with her in the marketplace. The Master claimed to be a scribe, and he was dressed all in black. You might be tempted to criticize the slave or her player, IMing her to say that she's kneeling wrong or that all scribes wear blue in Gor. But before you do, consider the creativity she's offering you, and whether you want her to keep making such offers. As artists and lovers, our egos don't heal easily.
To be clear, accepting offers doesn't mean ignoring your preferences or kinks, or worse, risking your safety. Role-play should always be satisfying and safe for everyone. If the offer turns you off or is unsafe, clearly you shouldn't accept it.
Ballroom dancing or domination may be about leading and following. But flow in role-play depends on sharing the power.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
This notecard is part of a collection called "Sensuality Azure by Kandr Newall". This collection is licensed as Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike (http://creativecommons.org/). Please don't sell this notecard. Please distribute and modify this notecard freely. Please credit Kandr Newall as the original author.
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Showing posts with label communication. Show all posts
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, July 30, 2010
Sensuality Azure: 20 Questions for Tops & Bottoms
I've spoken of compatibility, in prior posts and in SL. Here is more of what I mean, as a notecard from my Sensuality Azure training materials. A conversation around these questions isn't as exciting as sex. But a conversation is worthwhile for the long-term success of the relationship. Also, in my experience, the kind of person with whom I want to have a long-term relationship values the conversation.
===================================
20 Questions for Tops & Bottoms
===================================
These questions are in no particular order. But if you think one is more important than another, that itself is important. There are undoubtedly other questions worth discussing, but 20 is such a nice, round number.
There aren't right or wrong answers. But without clear and compatible expectations, any relationship is higher risk.
1. What do you look for in a partner? What's most important? What's not important?
2. Have you played with power exchange before? Collared? Been collared? If yes, how did that work out?
3. When do you play? How often? How long? How regularly?
4. When you play, how much can you focus? Will there be interruptions? Will you suddenly need to leave? Can we schedule times where you can focus completely on us?
5. When you log in and I'm already doing something, do I stop to be with you?
6. How far does the dominance extend? For example, permission to log off? Punishment for not logging on when expected?
7. What are your standards for writing? Pose length? Spelling etc.?
8. How important is staying in-character? Do you like to chat OOC during RP? During sex? Does chatting ruin the mood?
9. How do you feel about voice chat? Out-of-character? During RP? During sex?
10. How important are props, scripts, animations, etc. during RP? During sex? (e.g., Xcite!)
11. Will we stay in a specific sim? A specific setting (e.g., Gor, vampire)? If we travel, how will the our relationship work? (e.g., Am I going to be kneeling in only silks in an Earth art gallery?)
12. Who will pay for things? (e.g., house, clothes, furniture)
13. Will there be other bottoms? Do you expect group sex? Bisexual sex? Homosexual sex?
14. Can I have sex with other people? Can you? Only OOC? If ICly, with any consequences?
15. What are some of your kinks? For example, do you like dirty talk? Force? Do you want to experiment?
16. Are there other relationships we need to discuss? Loyalties to a sim? To other players/friends/lovers? Other possible sources of out-of-character drama?
17. If the bottom is owned, will the Top ever sell the bottom?
18. If this doesn't work, how will it end? If we're in the same sim, will one of us have to leave?
19. How fast do you want to go?
20. Are you looking for a RL romantic relationship? A RL power exchange relationship?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
This notecard is part of a collection called "Sensuality Azure by Kandr Newall". This collection is licensed as Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike (http://creativecommons.org/). Please don't sell this notecard. Please distribute and modify this notecard freely. Please credit Kandr Newall as the original author.
===================================
20 Questions for Tops & Bottoms
===================================
These questions are in no particular order. But if you think one is more important than another, that itself is important. There are undoubtedly other questions worth discussing, but 20 is such a nice, round number.
There aren't right or wrong answers. But without clear and compatible expectations, any relationship is higher risk.
1. What do you look for in a partner? What's most important? What's not important?
2. Have you played with power exchange before? Collared? Been collared? If yes, how did that work out?
3. When do you play? How often? How long? How regularly?
4. When you play, how much can you focus? Will there be interruptions? Will you suddenly need to leave? Can we schedule times where you can focus completely on us?
5. When you log in and I'm already doing something, do I stop to be with you?
6. How far does the dominance extend? For example, permission to log off? Punishment for not logging on when expected?
7. What are your standards for writing? Pose length? Spelling etc.?
8. How important is staying in-character? Do you like to chat OOC during RP? During sex? Does chatting ruin the mood?
9. How do you feel about voice chat? Out-of-character? During RP? During sex?
10. How important are props, scripts, animations, etc. during RP? During sex? (e.g., Xcite!)
11. Will we stay in a specific sim? A specific setting (e.g., Gor, vampire)? If we travel, how will the our relationship work? (e.g., Am I going to be kneeling in only silks in an Earth art gallery?)
12. Who will pay for things? (e.g., house, clothes, furniture)
13. Will there be other bottoms? Do you expect group sex? Bisexual sex? Homosexual sex?
14. Can I have sex with other people? Can you? Only OOC? If ICly, with any consequences?
15. What are some of your kinks? For example, do you like dirty talk? Force? Do you want to experiment?
16. Are there other relationships we need to discuss? Loyalties to a sim? To other players/friends/lovers? Other possible sources of out-of-character drama?
17. If the bottom is owned, will the Top ever sell the bottom?
18. If this doesn't work, how will it end? If we're in the same sim, will one of us have to leave?
19. How fast do you want to go?
20. Are you looking for a RL romantic relationship? A RL power exchange relationship?
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
This notecard is part of a collection called "Sensuality Azure by Kandr Newall". This collection is licensed as Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike (http://creativecommons.org/). Please don't sell this notecard. Please distribute and modify this notecard freely. Please credit Kandr Newall as the original author.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Some of My Mistakes
Master SuperMaster says, "A true Dom never makes a mistake."
Albert Einstein said, "A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."
I've made some colossal mistakes as a predator, a lover, a top, and a Master. More than anything, dominance is an attitude. I love teaching and I love learning. My Taoism tells me that's the same love, just inside out. That love is a vital part of my attitude as someone who practices dominance. These ingredients are powerful for learning: admitting ignorance, taking risks, and making mistakes.
Here are some of my mistakes, in hopes that they're instructive to others. Or at least amusing.
Trying Too Hard ... I have a group for my household. I got the clever idea to set my group title to "Master", so that I could walk around with "Master Kandr Newall" above my head. This lasted for a couple weeks before I came to my senses. Franklin Veaux says it best: "Being a master is like being enlightened. If you have to tell people that you are--you aren't."
You Don't Actually Want That ... A woman told me she wanted to be completely objectified, as nothing more or less than a total sextoy. She described in it her profile, we talked about it, she behaved like a sextoy, and she sent me many erotica stories about women being objectified. But the anachronistic gentleman in me kept silently insisting that she didn't truly want it. Thankfully, I eased into giving it to her. No surprise: the more I gave her what she wanted, the more passionate and eager she became.
Honey, Sugar, Gumdrop ... While I was in Gor, I purposefully developed some habits I thought made me more of a master. I started calling every slave "sweetling", regardless of relationship or context. I appended this to almost everything I said. I've seen others habitually use endearments like this, and I've seen (and privately heard) how subs actually react. Now I know that "sweetling" wasn't having the effect I wanted. At all.
Taboo ... Here's another habit I developed to "be more of a master": I never said "thank you." I would twist sentences around so that I would say something pleased me. It was contrived and arduous. It's like I believed that properly expressing gratitude would somehow puncture my master balloon, and all my dominance would leak out. Yeesh.
Shake-and-Bake Drama ... I was getting close to someone. I had some concerns about compatibility. In so many words, I said, "I really like you. But you need to change in these several major ways." This is a classic back-handed compliment. It's understandable to decide that a relationship isn't working out. But everyone has the right to be present in SL in a way that feels right to them. I was wrapping praise and attraction around what was really a criticism. At best, this is inconsiderate; at worst, it's passive aggressive. I have consoled friends when their partners dropped this drama bomb in a relationship. Apparently it's a mistake I has to make for myself at least once. I later apologized.
Missed the Message ... I had chatted and scened with a woman several times. We had hot chemistry and strong compatibility. We had talked about collars. We were RPing. She was standing with her back to a post, arms raised above her head, eyes full of promise. Much later, she asked me why I didn't collar her then, when she was deliberately adopting such a submissive posture. In my defense, I was relatively new to D/s. But my response was still utterly lame: "You were submitting?"
I don't know anything about Einstein in the bedroom. Smart is sexy, so if the master of space-time ever suited up as a Master, I'm sure he got some. With Einstein's advice, and for many other reasons, I'm not afraid of making mistakes. Learning can be painful, but coasting or playing it safe is unworthy of me and my partners, when I aspire to be dominant.
Albert Einstein said, "A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new."
I've made some colossal mistakes as a predator, a lover, a top, and a Master. More than anything, dominance is an attitude. I love teaching and I love learning. My Taoism tells me that's the same love, just inside out. That love is a vital part of my attitude as someone who practices dominance. These ingredients are powerful for learning: admitting ignorance, taking risks, and making mistakes.
Here are some of my mistakes, in hopes that they're instructive to others. Or at least amusing.
Trying Too Hard ... I have a group for my household. I got the clever idea to set my group title to "Master", so that I could walk around with "Master Kandr Newall" above my head. This lasted for a couple weeks before I came to my senses. Franklin Veaux says it best: "Being a master is like being enlightened. If you have to tell people that you are--you aren't."
You Don't Actually Want That ... A woman told me she wanted to be completely objectified, as nothing more or less than a total sextoy. She described in it her profile, we talked about it, she behaved like a sextoy, and she sent me many erotica stories about women being objectified. But the anachronistic gentleman in me kept silently insisting that she didn't truly want it. Thankfully, I eased into giving it to her. No surprise: the more I gave her what she wanted, the more passionate and eager she became.
Honey, Sugar, Gumdrop ... While I was in Gor, I purposefully developed some habits I thought made me more of a master. I started calling every slave "sweetling", regardless of relationship or context. I appended this to almost everything I said. I've seen others habitually use endearments like this, and I've seen (and privately heard) how subs actually react. Now I know that "sweetling" wasn't having the effect I wanted. At all.
Taboo ... Here's another habit I developed to "be more of a master": I never said "thank you." I would twist sentences around so that I would say something pleased me. It was contrived and arduous. It's like I believed that properly expressing gratitude would somehow puncture my master balloon, and all my dominance would leak out. Yeesh.
Shake-and-Bake Drama ... I was getting close to someone. I had some concerns about compatibility. In so many words, I said, "I really like you. But you need to change in these several major ways." This is a classic back-handed compliment. It's understandable to decide that a relationship isn't working out. But everyone has the right to be present in SL in a way that feels right to them. I was wrapping praise and attraction around what was really a criticism. At best, this is inconsiderate; at worst, it's passive aggressive. I have consoled friends when their partners dropped this drama bomb in a relationship. Apparently it's a mistake I has to make for myself at least once. I later apologized.
Missed the Message ... I had chatted and scened with a woman several times. We had hot chemistry and strong compatibility. We had talked about collars. We were RPing. She was standing with her back to a post, arms raised above her head, eyes full of promise. Much later, she asked me why I didn't collar her then, when she was deliberately adopting such a submissive posture. In my defense, I was relatively new to D/s. But my response was still utterly lame: "You were submitting?"
I don't know anything about Einstein in the bedroom. Smart is sexy, so if the master of space-time ever suited up as a Master, I'm sure he got some. With Einstein's advice, and for many other reasons, I'm not afraid of making mistakes. Learning can be painful, but coasting or playing it safe is unworthy of me and my partners, when I aspire to be dominant.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Sensuality Azure: Submission Tips
Here is another notecard from my Sensuality Azure training materials. The male dom, female sub language is arbitrary.
===================================
1.2 Submission Tips
===================================
I've received compliments on my "Dominance Tips." I hope it helps dominants role-play better, leading to more excitement and pleasure for submissives. But! As a dominant, I want more excitement and pleasure, too. :-) So, here are matching tips for subs. This note was vastly improved by several subs who wish to remain anonymous, including one special, clever girl. Thank you. Further suggestions are welcome.
You can find "Dominance Tips" where you found this notecard. Much of that advice applies to submissives, like "7. Pay attention to detail."
1. First impressions count.
2. Dress for success.
3. Hunt. Be hunted. Or move on.
4. Kneel with your body and your mind.
5. Don't whine.
6. Be vivid.
7. Make him feel good.
8. Know your limits.
9. Communication is your responsibility, too.
10. There will be other subs.
* Remember
* Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
1. First impressions count.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Some subs will give a dominant three, four, or five chances to prove his abilities. Alas, there seem to be few doms and many subs. So a sub may not get a second chance. Make the most of any meeting with a new dom: he might be the one you want. To prepare for that opportunity, you should...
---------------------------------------------------------------
2. Dress for success.
---------------------------------------------------------------
You must invest in at least an average-quality shape, skin, and hair. In Gor, you also need at least a few "slave" outfits (silks, camisks, etc.). For your body and clothing, more expensive isn't necessarily better. Also, sometimes it's better to mix and match than to buy your whole look from a single designer. Some subs have so many outfits that they will happily share with a newcomer. Don't be afraid to ask for advice from subs whose look you admire. Shopping and dressing together can be fun bonding experiences!
Props, pose balls, and scripted pussies etc. are a matter of taste. Some doms want you to have them, while others focus more on words (like me). Of course, the right naughty toy can re-inspire any dom. When you can, help other subs with their clothing and appearance. If you can, learn how to make clothing and accessories. Then you can be sure that you look unique. Finally, while doms really do like boobies and bums, naked may not be as sexy as the right combination of clothing and accessories.
---------------------------------------------------------------
3. Hunt. Be hunted. Or move on.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If you want him, let him know. A dom may like eagerness, may like being sought after. If you're available, let him know. A dom may like vulnerability, may like the opportunity and challenge of claiming you. But it's only going to happen if he desires you. Don't be clingy, stubborn, or bitter. Sometimes, he's just not that into you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
4. Kneel with your body and your mind.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Being submissive is more than a physical position. Be available, deferential, and selfless. Make it clear that his opinion matters more, that his choice is the final word. This doesn't mean be stupid or simple. But you are trading one kind of power (independence) for another (his fixation on you). He's a dom partly because he finds your submission very, very sexy. Trust me.
---------------------------------------------------------------
5. Don't whine.
---------------------------------------------------------------
You can waste a lot of your energy and his patience by being loudly bored. Or by being constantly upset by other people's choices. Or by being a bitch. Instead, pour that energy into being attractive to him. Make other subs wish they were in your position. They might even learn by your example!
---------------------------------------------------------------
6. Be vivid.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to grab and hold his attention, be present, provocative, and interactive. He has particular tastes, and you should experiment to discover them. Remember, there are four core kinks to online sexuality: (1) exhibitionism, because you're showing off; (2) voyeurism, because he wants to watch you; (3) dirty talk, because he wants you to talk about his cock and your pussy etc.; and (4) mind control, because you're both connecting through thoughts, not RL touch. Understand these kinks. Be creative and exciting, not just a wet slut. To expand your vocabulary, start with my notecard, "Naughty Lists."
---------------------------------------------------------------
7. Make him feel good.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A dom likes attention, and likes having his ego stroked. Mmm. Ego stroking. Make him feel handsome and desirable. For example, mention his tight abs, strong chin, or cute ass. Be careful to say it like you mean it: crap smells the same no matter where you are.
Even if you've earned his collar, you still need to show your adoration, and to keep things hot. Keep flirting. Keep teasing. If he's good, there are probably half a dozen subs trying to get his attention. But you've got the advantage, because you can greet him in his own house. Wearing whatever. Kneeling on the furs.
---------------------------------------------------------------
8. Know your limits.
---------------------------------------------------------------
What squicks you? You'll probably change your mind from time to time. But if you're not clear with yourself and with him, things can get awkward or messy. Not the good kind of messy. At the very least, if your limits aren't clear or relatively stable, you'll confuse him. A good starting place for thinking about and discussing limits is my notecard, "20 Questions for Tops & Bottoms."
---------------------------------------------------------------
9. Communication is your responsibility, too.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A dom may be very busy, especially if he has a business or a leadership role. It's reasonable to expect some communication, about when he might be available, or what he wants from you. Just remember, there is a fine line between being engaging and being overly chatty. Pay attention to what he says and how he says it. Short IMs? Probably in a hurry, so make your response pleasant and to the point. Talkative? Demonstrate that you're listening. Irritated? Try being soothing, even distracting. He will adore you for being thoughtful and undemanding.
---------------------------------------------------------------
10. There will be other subs.
---------------------------------------------------------------
He will look. He will touch. He may have sex. He may own several subs. If you want to be his first choice, you have to work for it. Don't just get jealous. Get creative. Keep his interest by being interesting. The novelty of something new is magical, but you can be new again and again, if you are creative.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Remember
---------------------------------------------------------------
Submission is beautiful and sexy. You have something a dom wants. If you properly inspire him, he will show his appreciation. If you're lacking in any way, you can work on it, and improve. The tips in this note are a starting place. Talk with other subs. Talk with doms. Become the sub you want to be.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
This notecard is part of a collection called "Sensuality Azure by Kandr Newall". This collection is licensed as Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike (http://creativecommons.org/). Please don't sell this notecard. Please distribute and modify this notecard freely. Please credit Kandr Newall as the original author.
===================================
1.2 Submission Tips
===================================
I've received compliments on my "Dominance Tips." I hope it helps dominants role-play better, leading to more excitement and pleasure for submissives. But! As a dominant, I want more excitement and pleasure, too. :-) So, here are matching tips for subs. This note was vastly improved by several subs who wish to remain anonymous, including one special, clever girl. Thank you. Further suggestions are welcome.
You can find "Dominance Tips" where you found this notecard. Much of that advice applies to submissives, like "7. Pay attention to detail."
1. First impressions count.
2. Dress for success.
3. Hunt. Be hunted. Or move on.
4. Kneel with your body and your mind.
5. Don't whine.
6. Be vivid.
7. Make him feel good.
8. Know your limits.
9. Communication is your responsibility, too.
10. There will be other subs.
* Remember
* Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
1. First impressions count.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Some subs will give a dominant three, four, or five chances to prove his abilities. Alas, there seem to be few doms and many subs. So a sub may not get a second chance. Make the most of any meeting with a new dom: he might be the one you want. To prepare for that opportunity, you should...
---------------------------------------------------------------
2. Dress for success.
---------------------------------------------------------------
You must invest in at least an average-quality shape, skin, and hair. In Gor, you also need at least a few "slave" outfits (silks, camisks, etc.). For your body and clothing, more expensive isn't necessarily better. Also, sometimes it's better to mix and match than to buy your whole look from a single designer. Some subs have so many outfits that they will happily share with a newcomer. Don't be afraid to ask for advice from subs whose look you admire. Shopping and dressing together can be fun bonding experiences!
Props, pose balls, and scripted pussies etc. are a matter of taste. Some doms want you to have them, while others focus more on words (like me). Of course, the right naughty toy can re-inspire any dom. When you can, help other subs with their clothing and appearance. If you can, learn how to make clothing and accessories. Then you can be sure that you look unique. Finally, while doms really do like boobies and bums, naked may not be as sexy as the right combination of clothing and accessories.
---------------------------------------------------------------
3. Hunt. Be hunted. Or move on.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If you want him, let him know. A dom may like eagerness, may like being sought after. If you're available, let him know. A dom may like vulnerability, may like the opportunity and challenge of claiming you. But it's only going to happen if he desires you. Don't be clingy, stubborn, or bitter. Sometimes, he's just not that into you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
4. Kneel with your body and your mind.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Being submissive is more than a physical position. Be available, deferential, and selfless. Make it clear that his opinion matters more, that his choice is the final word. This doesn't mean be stupid or simple. But you are trading one kind of power (independence) for another (his fixation on you). He's a dom partly because he finds your submission very, very sexy. Trust me.
---------------------------------------------------------------
5. Don't whine.
---------------------------------------------------------------
You can waste a lot of your energy and his patience by being loudly bored. Or by being constantly upset by other people's choices. Or by being a bitch. Instead, pour that energy into being attractive to him. Make other subs wish they were in your position. They might even learn by your example!
---------------------------------------------------------------
6. Be vivid.
---------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to grab and hold his attention, be present, provocative, and interactive. He has particular tastes, and you should experiment to discover them. Remember, there are four core kinks to online sexuality: (1) exhibitionism, because you're showing off; (2) voyeurism, because he wants to watch you; (3) dirty talk, because he wants you to talk about his cock and your pussy etc.; and (4) mind control, because you're both connecting through thoughts, not RL touch. Understand these kinks. Be creative and exciting, not just a wet slut. To expand your vocabulary, start with my notecard, "Naughty Lists."
---------------------------------------------------------------
7. Make him feel good.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A dom likes attention, and likes having his ego stroked. Mmm. Ego stroking. Make him feel handsome and desirable. For example, mention his tight abs, strong chin, or cute ass. Be careful to say it like you mean it: crap smells the same no matter where you are.
Even if you've earned his collar, you still need to show your adoration, and to keep things hot. Keep flirting. Keep teasing. If he's good, there are probably half a dozen subs trying to get his attention. But you've got the advantage, because you can greet him in his own house. Wearing whatever. Kneeling on the furs.
---------------------------------------------------------------
8. Know your limits.
---------------------------------------------------------------
What squicks you? You'll probably change your mind from time to time. But if you're not clear with yourself and with him, things can get awkward or messy. Not the good kind of messy. At the very least, if your limits aren't clear or relatively stable, you'll confuse him. A good starting place for thinking about and discussing limits is my notecard, "20 Questions for Tops & Bottoms."
---------------------------------------------------------------
9. Communication is your responsibility, too.
---------------------------------------------------------------
A dom may be very busy, especially if he has a business or a leadership role. It's reasonable to expect some communication, about when he might be available, or what he wants from you. Just remember, there is a fine line between being engaging and being overly chatty. Pay attention to what he says and how he says it. Short IMs? Probably in a hurry, so make your response pleasant and to the point. Talkative? Demonstrate that you're listening. Irritated? Try being soothing, even distracting. He will adore you for being thoughtful and undemanding.
---------------------------------------------------------------
10. There will be other subs.
---------------------------------------------------------------
He will look. He will touch. He may have sex. He may own several subs. If you want to be his first choice, you have to work for it. Don't just get jealous. Get creative. Keep his interest by being interesting. The novelty of something new is magical, but you can be new again and again, if you are creative.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Remember
---------------------------------------------------------------
Submission is beautiful and sexy. You have something a dom wants. If you properly inspire him, he will show his appreciation. If you're lacking in any way, you can work on it, and improve. The tips in this note are a starting place. Talk with other subs. Talk with doms. Become the sub you want to be.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Sharing These Materials
---------------------------------------------------------------
This notecard is part of a collection called "Sensuality Azure by Kandr Newall". This collection is licensed as Attribution-Noncommercial-Share Alike (http://creativecommons.org/). Please don't sell this notecard. Please distribute and modify this notecard freely. Please credit Kandr Newall as the original author.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Sculpting, Bonsai, & Perspective Taking
Master SuperMaster says, "A true Dom doesn't care what a sub wants. A true Dom knows what kind of sub he wants, and does whatever is necessary to make the sub that kind of sub."
I read a beautiful essay by a sub, about the difference between sculpting marble and shaping a bonsai tree. A block of marble has distinct properties, in its composition and striations. While a sculptor must respect these properties, he can more or less directly create whatever he envisions. A tree is far more unique, especially because it's dynamic. It responds to water, light, pruning, and wire. So a tree can be shaped purposefully, but only indirectly, and there are limits.
Bonsai is the art of learning the tree-that-is and the tree-that-can-be. Dominance should be the art of learning the sub-that-is and the sub-that-can-be. There is nothing wrong with a Dom preferring a certain kind of sub. If so, he should be expressive about his preference, and thoughtful about the subs he chooses. He shouldn’t try to make a different kind of sub feel inferior, over what may just be a matter of taste. If a bonsai tree is not a flowering species, no amount of bondage or shouting will make it blossom.
Communication is essential to a successful D/s relationship. Communication is more effective if the Dom knows some of the right questions to ask and topics to discuss. How can the Dom do this? Perspective taking.
Empathy is a natural animal ability. We can vicariously experience the elation, distress, or pain of someone in our pack. We can sharpen our empathy, by attending to our vicarious experiences, and checking our perceptions through communication.
Perspective taking is a deliberate mental skill. We can try to imagine what someone is thinking and feeling. A Dom can mentally simulate a sub’s state of being. Many subs use perspective taking, either intuitively or through self-directed effort. They try to anticipate their Doms’ wants and needs, and are better subs for it. Some Doms seem mystified about a sub’s state of being, or simply don’t care. They seem to only focus on what the sub says or does.
I practice perspective taking a variety of ways. For example, I try to think like a sub would think, if she were playing a Dom. Thus, after a particularly good intimate experience, I might send an affectionate notecard or long IM the next day, just as I might send flowers to my lover in my 1st life.
Perspective taking is part of being a good Dom. It overlaps the same way that teaching is part of being a good Dom. I’m a teacher in my 1st life. In education, we say that the beginning teacher asks, "How am I doing?" The advanced teacher asks, "How are my students doing?" The advanced Dom asks, “How is my sub doing?”
Perspective taking is also part of good etiquette. In Dark Den, many of us have been discussing the value of “respect.” For example, when you meet someone new, do you respect them until they lose your respect, or do you start with no respect, and expect them to earn it? How you answer says something about whether and how you imagine the experience of being a newcomer, and how you want a newcomer to feel.
I read a beautiful essay by a sub, about the difference between sculpting marble and shaping a bonsai tree. A block of marble has distinct properties, in its composition and striations. While a sculptor must respect these properties, he can more or less directly create whatever he envisions. A tree is far more unique, especially because it's dynamic. It responds to water, light, pruning, and wire. So a tree can be shaped purposefully, but only indirectly, and there are limits.
Bonsai is the art of learning the tree-that-is and the tree-that-can-be. Dominance should be the art of learning the sub-that-is and the sub-that-can-be. There is nothing wrong with a Dom preferring a certain kind of sub. If so, he should be expressive about his preference, and thoughtful about the subs he chooses. He shouldn’t try to make a different kind of sub feel inferior, over what may just be a matter of taste. If a bonsai tree is not a flowering species, no amount of bondage or shouting will make it blossom.
Communication is essential to a successful D/s relationship. Communication is more effective if the Dom knows some of the right questions to ask and topics to discuss. How can the Dom do this? Perspective taking.
Empathy is a natural animal ability. We can vicariously experience the elation, distress, or pain of someone in our pack. We can sharpen our empathy, by attending to our vicarious experiences, and checking our perceptions through communication.
Perspective taking is a deliberate mental skill. We can try to imagine what someone is thinking and feeling. A Dom can mentally simulate a sub’s state of being. Many subs use perspective taking, either intuitively or through self-directed effort. They try to anticipate their Doms’ wants and needs, and are better subs for it. Some Doms seem mystified about a sub’s state of being, or simply don’t care. They seem to only focus on what the sub says or does.
I practice perspective taking a variety of ways. For example, I try to think like a sub would think, if she were playing a Dom. Thus, after a particularly good intimate experience, I might send an affectionate notecard or long IM the next day, just as I might send flowers to my lover in my 1st life.
Perspective taking is part of being a good Dom. It overlaps the same way that teaching is part of being a good Dom. I’m a teacher in my 1st life. In education, we say that the beginning teacher asks, "How am I doing?" The advanced teacher asks, "How are my students doing?" The advanced Dom asks, “How is my sub doing?”
Perspective taking is also part of good etiquette. In Dark Den, many of us have been discussing the value of “respect.” For example, when you meet someone new, do you respect them until they lose your respect, or do you start with no respect, and expect them to earn it? How you answer says something about whether and how you imagine the experience of being a newcomer, and how you want a newcomer to feel.
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