SLove

...medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for. -Dead Poets Society

Love is a tricky word in any fold of reality. In Second Life, "love" is a Wonderland cousin of the 1st Life meaning. We can be very, very artful with our masks, only allowing selective glimpses of our true merits and flaws. We can also be prevented from demonstrating our most loving and lovable qualities, by our (in)abilities to write and perceive promptly and accurately, to affix prims elegantly, to manage a sometimes-overwhelming flow of information and opportunities, to be online at the right times, and so on.

Even when we think we love, we may only love an illusion or a fragment.

Yet in SL we can also sometimes connect in new ways. We can bypass some static, doubts, hesitations, or prejudices. Sometimes the masks separate us, but sometimes they free us to be our true selves, and to connect in a deeply intimate way.

Some people eagerly seek love in SL. Some people don't believe in SL love. Some people have it but deny it, or deal with it ineptly. Some people had love but it died or was killed, and now they feel only pessimism or even cynicism.

I've had at least one relationship where I could have had love, but fled from it. And at least one where I wanted love, but my partner didn't. I'm not looking for it now, but I'm not as afraid of it. There are many kinds of love, and most of my love will only ever be for my beloved primary. The best magic of SL is the unexpected kind, so I leave open some possibilities.

Is SL love as real as 1st Life love? Probably not. But it's the "probably" that gets to us, because SL pain can certainly be as real. It can be worse than 1L. In 1L, we might know where our would-be love is, and we can employ any and all creative strategies to try to win or deepen their affections. We can stand outside with a boombox over our head (like in the movie Say Anything), or leave anonymous presents by her apartment door (like I did when courting my beloved primary). But in SL, we can love, and be hurt, and be wanting, and sometimes we can do nothing but wait. We watch each login message fiercely, hoping for the magic string of letters that causes our heart to race. It is a terrible wonderful thing: love.

...and just in case you're wondering, this post isn't relevant to anything or anyone in particular. Rather, it's inspired by a variety of experiences by my friends and me over time.

Movie: TiMER

I enthusiastically recommend the movie TiMER (IMDB page). It's a smart, funny cross of speculative science fiction and romantic comedy. The lead is deftly handled by Emma Caulfield (who I adored as Anya in Buffy: The Vampire Slayer). The premise is provocative: what would life be like if you knew in advance when you would meet your true love (what the characters call your "one")? I won't spoil the clever weaving of subplots, but like the inestimable Strange Days, the various possibilities are explored in graceful balance with strong narrative.

Why does TiMER matter on this blog? In SL, we never know when the next chance meeting could be a real connection. With one of my current partners, our first interaction was some heated IMs when I felt she was godmodding me. If I hadn't pulled my head out of my ass and tried to understand her perspective, we wouldn't enjoy the relationship we now have. My first conversations with Vivid Skizm left me with the impression that she wasn't very interested, and now she's my slave. A friend of mine is a sub in 1L, and she speaks of making good choices and taking good care of herself for Him. She hasn't met Him yet: the Master she deserves (and she deserves an amazing Master). We don't have the technological miracle that TiMER's characters have, but we should be thoughtful about what we're doing to meet the people who will redefine passion with us, and what we're doing with ourselves while we wait.

Kudos to my beloved primary for choosing TiMER. We watched via Netflix On Demand.

FYI, Strange Days is brilliant but hella dark (IMDB page). I'd list Strange Days as "much watch" for anyone who muses on what playing "imaginary games" like SL does to us. If you liked Avatar, especially how Jake got hooked on his SL, you'll like James Cameron's earlier thought experiment with jacking in. Also, Angela Bassett's character Mace could totally dom me.

Compatibility, Chemistry, & Loneliness

Master SuperMaster says, "A true dominant has no fears or weaknesses."

I want to talk about one of my fears: being lonely, in a SL filled with would-be partners.

It's easy to find sex in SL. But what I seek is hard to find. I seek a combination of intelligence, consideration, creativity, playfulness, sensuality, sexuality, submission, and safety. It's a rare combination. I know it's rare, because as I learn my own tastes better and better, I know my own disappointments more acutely.

The maddening wildcard is chemistry. With one partner, some seemingly-important bits may be missing, and I feel that disappointment all too keenly. Yet I'm still fiercely attracted to the person. At other times, it may seem like everything is just as I would want it, but there's no spark. Do I pursue a hot relationship, despite my hurts and frustrations? Do I spend time where compatibility is strong but my heart doesn't race, hoping that eventually a fire starts?

A relationship with ample passion but significant friction probably won't last. A relationship where at least one partner isn't feeling something deeper than sex probably shouldn't last.

I don't expect easy answers to such questions. Sometimes I just follow impulse and opportunity, and let the ineffable--even incomprehensible--dynamics play out. For example, regardless of compatibility or chemistry, if a partner and I never seem to have the right timing and availability, no amount of interpersonal communication or intrapersonal reflection is going to help. Of course, what drives us all nuts is wondering whether someone is avoiding us, or we're a low priority, or we're being strung along as a fallback opportunity. Or maybe they really are having a busy week, and I just need to breathe.

Deep, lasting relationships take work and compromise and mutual growth. Trust can really only be nurtured over time, through all the small and large choices and reactions, and by being present, day after day. Trust can be nurtured, perhaps most importantly, by sharing our fears and weaknesses. And then by honoring that sharing, with better choices, and by keeping our partners' secrets safe.

Being a dominant is partly about projecting an aura of confidence and strength. Being a good dominant is also about being honest with myself. I don't have many fears, but being lonely is one of them.