Profile Pieces: nikki Ronwood

Playing pretend in a metaverse like Second Life can teach me so many things. One of the recurring lessons is the importance of perspective. As Ben Stiller said, "There's a humor and a sadness when you see people who have a distorted image of themselves in the world. I think we all have this idea of how we want to be, and then there's how others actually see us, and the distance in between those two things is where reality exists." (Newsweek, 25 Apr 11)

Here's a sterling example, with some humor, from nikki Ronwood's Profile.

✔ Real ✖ Fake ✖ Drama


I'm a bitch because I don't let you push me around,

I'm a liar because I won't tell you everything,

I'm stupid because sometimes I'm wrong,

I'm a whore because I like boys,

I'm annoying because I'm not chill enough,

I'm a loser because I'm not friends with your group,

I use people because I do what's best for me,

I'm weird because I'm not like you,

I'm controlling because I get mad sometimes,

I'm clingy because I like to be around people,

I'm greedy because I like to be satisfied,

I'm naive because I'm younger than you ,

I'm conceited because I'm proud of who I am,

I'm rude because my manners aren't perfect,

I'm unappreciative because I don't praise you.

Don't try to tell me who I am because I already know.

Slavecraft: Surrender, Work of Slavery, Obedience

Here are more provocative quotes from Slavecraft.

Outsiders are not prepared to understand that the passion of surrender has the power to take hold of us by the throat and fire our imaginations to the white heat capable of fusing sexuality and surrender into such a lens--a tool powerful enough to comprehend anything worth knowing (p. 35)

There is a myth that D/s relationships are simpler or easier than vanilla relationships. Alas, no. On the other hand, D/s can be a powerful tool for perceiving and processing on relationship necessities and skills, like trust, communication, willingness, selflessness, chemistry, and compatibility.

Like all consensual slaves, i am a work in progress; always pressing on towards perfection with no thought of ever achieving it. Good Masters are a dynamic bunch and so, They grow, evolve and develop as people. When that happens, the definition of slave perfection shifts as They shift. For that reason, the notion of a "complete" or "finished" slave is temporary and illusory, and so must be viewed with suspicion. (p. 66)

The work of slavery, however, does not "show" for the most part because it happens in our minds, our hearts, our guts. Masters don't usually recognize that we are working at surrender because They don't really know what our "working" looks like. (p. 67)

I found this last idea worth remembering, as someone practice dominance. Both my slaves have recently had the pleasing assertiveness to remind me that there are aspects and experiences of being a submissive woman that are beyond my comprehension. I'm a smart, creative man, and I believe imagination is vast. But wherever we are on the spectrum of dominance and submission, there are some things beyond even imagining.

The slave in perfect obedience neither offers nor reserves anything. His only obligation, his concern, his evaluation criteria, his only question, his only satisfaction is from determining if he obeyed. (p. 81)

The grateful slave who wrote Slavecraft spends many words trying to distinguish a submissive from a slave. Principles like this quote about obedience are compelling reference points for making the distinction. Over time, I've become far less concerned with definitions and ontology, like "submissive" versus "slave". The women I respect and crave tend to be more complex than labels. On the other hand, it can be a valuable conversation to discuss what the labels mean to each partner, and what their desires and goals are.

It is only the slave's obedience that enables a Master to control and, therefore protect, a slave against the most damaging threat possible, the slave's thoughts. (p. 81-2)

I've heard many bottoms express this idea. Several women have emphasized the relief and freedom that comes with obedience. Vanilla sensuality and sex can be stressful, as they strive to be desirable and pleasing: to make the right choices. If they can give up some authority, responsibility, and attention to the "big picture", they can relax and indulge more. It's part of the beauty and splendor of D/s: the dom takes what he wants, the sub gives it, and both can leave some fears and anxieties behind.

Be Fabulous

I enjoyed watching the movie Akeelah and the Bee. The quote below is taught by a strict teacher to an insecure student. I encourage you to apply it to another context: to ourselves, as we practice sensuality, sexuality, dominance, and submission.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

I remember a paraphrase from a profile: "Most players live Second Lives of quiet desperation. Take a chance." Men and women who present as submissive often confide in me that they feel very shy and nervous in SL. They crave to be dominated in ways that liberate: ways that coax or force them to overcome their fears, insecurities, and scars. They want to be More, and they want help achieving it. At it's best, D/s is about bringing out the best in a submissive (and a dom). The bonsai metaphor applies here.

Those who present as dominant can veer too far the other way, and come across as presumptuous and abrasive. Ego is sexy in a dom, but in excess, it can verge on hysteria. We can try too hard to be fearless and self-assured, and reveal ourselves to be anything but. (I've done this.) It's hard for a bottom to trust a top who isn't even in control of himself. Needless to say, trust is essential to deep D/s.

We should all dare to fabulous, with whatever sparkle and volume is truly ours. We should seek those people who want us to be brilliant, gorgeous, and talented. People who won't be threatened by our radiance, but instead delight in it. Those are the people to whom we should submit, or who we should claim.

Our playing small does not serve SL.

Slavecraft: Being a grown up; Myth of training

I'm reading Slavecraft, written by "a grateful slave, with Guy Baldwin." This book came highly recommended by a submissive woman for whom I have great admiration and affection. The focus is deep 1L "erotic slavery", and the writer is a gay male slave. ("Erotic" is a nice adjective to add, to distinguish the glory of D/s slavery from the evils of nonconsensual slavery.) Of course, many of the ideas and arguments are useful in other kinds of relationships, in 1L and SL.

I'm not sure I agree with the slave on all things. But I find his perspective provocative. He describes the experience of being a slave in ways that help me better understand the challenges and joys. Here are some sections that stand out.

Sad to say, there are some who call themselves "Master" who are undeserving of the label. Some in need of an emotional hiding place will shield themselves behind the "Master" label. Lift the shield and one can often find those who shun real intimacy, self-disclosure, commitments of any sort, responsibility, honesty, their own vulnerability, self-knowledge, and yet, nevertheless, fear abandonment. (p. 15)

One in search of a Master (or a slave for that matter) is certain to encounter such people, and the challenge will be to discern the pretenders from the authentic. It is not enough for Masters to thrive on control; They must also crave responsibility and approach ownership with integrity, honor, honesty, common sense, and balance. There is no place in ownership for consuming rage, narcissism, viciousness, or other childish behavior. Ownership is for grown-ups. (p. 15)

The traditional slave-training myth asserts that: "Any self-proclaimed Master can teach a slave all he needs to know about surrender." (p. 39)

...one of the great ironies in all of this is that the training myth is often responsible for impeding both Masters and slaves in the refinement of their respective callings. Masters who feel insecure with Their abilities because of their ignorance about submission, or for other reasons, will often seek an inexperienced slave precisely because he won't know much. This allows the insecure Master to hide His ignorance from the slave and be superficially impressive. The irony is that such Masters could probably learn much more from experiences with already skilled slaves because then They could see how a well-developed slave functions, and thus learn the crafts of how to enjoy and develop a consensual slave. (p. 45-6)

Jack Rinella: On Power and Ownership

I'm reading Rinella's The Master's Manual aloud every Thursday evening (including tonight). Here are some more provocative excerpts.

Fundamentally, those who aspire to be masters and mistresses must be comfortable with power. That means they need the ability to acquire it, use it, live with its consequences, to overcome the negative connotations inherent in being powerful, and to elude the corruption it may bring and the conceit it is liable to engender. (p. 85)

I, on the contrary, exhort you to claim your right to dominate, to rule, in fact, to enslave. ... To do that, you must first claim yourself. If you can not rule yourself, you can not rule others. A master needs to be comfortable with what it means to control another. Masters are responsible, directive, decisive. They need to be able to accept service, attention, the "gift of self" that a slave desires to bestow on his or her owner. (p. 86)

What does it feel like to own someone? ... It's a challenge. Owning someone is taking the responsibility to train them, to make them what you want them to be while letting them be what they have to be; letting them experience their own growth, while you grow. (p. 89)

What kind of advice would you give to someone who said they wanted to be a master? ... Understand the responsibility. Understand the depth of the relationship. Try to understand whether or not the person who wants to be your slave is just a bottom, or just curious, or whether or not they are willing to make that kind of commitment. When a person becomes a slave, he really gives himself up to a master. Slavery is not a part-time kind of thing. Either you're someone's slave, or you're not. It's hard for most people to make that kind of major commitment. People really have to be in the right space to make it, to say, "Here I am. Take me. Do with me as you will." (p. 91)

The Master's Manual on Amazon.com

About the Reading

Jack Rinella: On Dark Play

I'm reading Rinella's The Master's Manual aloud every Thursday evening. I'll post some of the more provocative excerpts.

To repress and deny that we have dark sides to our personalities is to deny stark and very "real" reality. To be Pollyanna is foolishness, dangerous foolishness at that. Repressed, denied, hidden darkness only festers until it vents itself in some other way. Just as uncontrolled bliss, lightness, and goodness is unreasonable, un-experienced evil is an illusion. What we need is a balanced, healthy, and manageable dark event. Such experiences allow us to understand ourselves and our motivations, to give expression to those motives, and, so, reduce their power and their drive. (p. 46-47)

Sadists in the leather community then are those who inflict pleasure. It is pleasure of an intense degree, skillfully induced with necessary caution, measured speed, and careful recognition of the masochist's responses. (p. 48)

Experiencing one's limits, anguish, alternate ego, and suppressed desires is a learning and cleansing process. We face our fear, our selves, our lusts and our raw power. Our deeply hidden drives find expression. So we resolve our doubts and passions, giving vent to them and bringing them into a manageable, understandable light. (p. 83)

The Master's Manual on Amazon.com

About the Reading

Quote: Violence & Discipline

Dark Den includes a strong theme of male Dominance and female submission. Can we call that classic D/s? This theme is delicious for me. Of course, it's far from the only combination of power exchange. For example, I'm bi, and I'm a shade switch.

Many of the best quotes about D/s are about classic D/s. For example, the novels of Gor offer many inspiring and steamy quotable assertions. Unfortunately, these quotes are often buried in the otherwise ponderous and lame writing. Thank the gods for the fans who have labored through the novels, and put the best stuff on the web. I stopped after book 5.

Today's quote isn't from Gor. It's from Clan of the Cave Bear. My beloved primary describes the sequel, Valley of the Horses, as a strong, early influence on her sexuality. To better understand my beloved, I'm going to read Valley. I'm starting with Clan.

Any quote has limited value, especially taken out of context. But nevertheless, a really good quote can make me go, "Ohhhhh yes. Just so." Here is today's quote:

A man did not prove his manhood, in Brun's opinion, by overcoming women. Women had no alternative but to submit. It was unworthy of a man to pit himself against a lesser adversary or to allow his emotions to be provoked by a woman. It was a man's duty to command women, to maintain discipline, to hunt and provide, to control his emotions, and to show no sign of pain when he was suffering. A woman might be cuffed if she was lazy or disrespectful, but not in anger and not with joy, only to discipline. -Clan of the Cave Bear, p.66